Chill With Will

Poor Maw Maw

2011-08-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Cloris Leachman,

Did you sell your soul to the Devil when you won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for The Last Picture Show?! Did something horrible in another life and this is your karmic payback?!

You're so much better than this:

Your Alzheimers-ridden character Maw Maw on Raising Hope has more going on upstairs than the rest of these broads combined. I don't care if you wanted Pauly D's number or not.

Pull it together, Cloris!

Xoxo,

Will

FREEDOM

2011-08-17T15:00:00.001-07:00

Freedom by Jonathan Franzen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

For the past couple years, the literary character I've most identified with--like a majority of young, American men--is Salinger's Holden Caulfield, a brooding teenage guy discontent with the state of the world in which he finds himself trapped. Special thanks goes out to Jonathan Franzen for flipping my brain (and heart) upside-down and making me connect wholly with Patty Berglund, a depressed, middle-aged housewife who, like the other characters in the masterful novel FREEDOM, is trapped by her right to live free. Who would've thought that a 500+ page book could feel so short? I found myself wanting more chapters on each of the beautiful, tragically drawn characters. Every time I wanted to hate Patty for one of her glaring faults (especially during the "autobiography" chapters), I realized that I often suffer from strikingly similar shortcomings and ideological imperfections. In short, I felt like Franzen was writing directly to me, and my freedom.

*****

SPOILER ALERT:

I wasn't expecting Walter and Patty to end up back together in the final chapter. After the amount of tragedy they'd endured--mostly due to Patty's failures--I was bracing myself for a heartrending end. I nearly cried when they reunited. I also loved that Joey matured into an admirable man. The novel offers so much hope and love in its final pages, that I almost want to call it a modern fairy tale.

View all my reviews

Baby Got True Blood

2011-08-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

I just learned that in addition to big butts, Sir Mix-a-Lot likes True Blood. And it seems he was especially pleased by this last week's episode:

"Finally, True Blood is getting to the shit we wanna see. Witches gettin' in that azz! Finally some good TV" -sirmixalot

Ever since the rap legend took over his own fan page on Facebook, my internet life has felt complete. Big butts may not be for everyone...but Sir Mix-a-Lot is.

TOP FIVE / Things I'm Living For This Week

2011-08-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

Here are the top five things I'm living for this week...

1. "Otis" by Kanye & Jay-Z, Watch the Throne (album)

The song "Otis" is the kind of track that I listen to once, and then can't help starting it over the second it's done. It's upbeat. It's fun. And hearing the two biggest hip hop artists of my generation throwing down hooks alongside classic lyrics from one of the godfathers of R&B/soul is like a musical history lesson in three minutes.

Admittedly, the entire Watch the Throne album is pure, auditory bliss. I also love Beyoncé's work on "Lift Off." But "Otis" is going to be top of my list for a long, long time.

2. Planks

Not to be confused with the internet "phenomenon" called planking. Incorporating planks (pictured above) into a work out routine builds some amazing core muscles...something my body needs anyway! Also, according to a recent report published in Details magazine, planks are much less strenuous on a person's back muscles than crunches. And they would know...because they pay attention to things like "details."

3. Silk: Pure Almond - Dark Chocolate All Natural Almond Milk

It's no secret that I love all things almond. But, milk those little suckers and flavor them with dark chocolate and you've got a concoction that has recently become a staple in my afternoon snack attack. Put it in coffee for a slightly healthier spin on a "mocha." Or just guzzle it straight out of the carton...I do.

4. Suri's Burn Book (surisburnbook.tumblr.com)

Perez, who? If you haven't visited this Tumblr that imagines how Suri Cruise would verbally eviscerate the offspring of other famous people in an open forum, then you're missing out on everything the internet was invented for: celebrity pictures mixed with biting, sarcastic commentary.

Click the photo of Suri and Katie to get linked to the blog.

5. Miro Sorvino's weird accent in Romy & Michele's High School Reunion

Unfortunately, I missed my ten year high school reunion this past weekend. I'd already used up all my 2011 vacation time on Coachella and a trip to New York City...plus it's not like I don't already know who's married and who's gotten fat (A big shout out to Mark Zuckerberg for rendering class reunions virtually useless!). I did, however, take about 15 minutes out of my day on Saturday to watch some of Romy & Michele's High School Reunion with my friend Nathan. The movie has always cracked me up...but especially that weird voice that Mira Sorvino maintains the ENTIRE time. My life would be complete if Romy & Michele both signed on to attend their 25 year reunion in 2012.

The GAYEST Movie Poster Ever

2011-08-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

The Three Musketeers are supposed to be suave, manly, and extra tough, right?!

Then why does the guy with the eye patch look like the only character on this poster who could maintain an erection in front of a naked woman? And I'm not talking about the tranny on the far left who CLEARLY has an Adam's apple; I mean a real woman with a real vagina.

We'll start with the bad guys...who both look like pedophiles. The Duke of Buckingham is just trying too hard to be "hip" with that ridiculous earring. Oh, and he only pierced the left ear? Sorry, but that's not fooling anyone. Even if this was the 90's, that pearl would be a dead giveaway. Worse than that is Cardinal Richelieu who looks like he's keeping a stash of comic books, baseball cards and lollipops in the glove box of his "windowless carriage" if you catch my drift.

As far as the heroes are concerned...I guess the fearless leader Aramis is supposed to be crouching in an action pose, but it really looks like he's fearlessly pointing in the direction of the nearest glory hole, most likely in the bathroom at the leather daddy bar where Porthos would assuredly be trolling for tail. Athos--the one who's supposed to be a ladies man--looks like he'd be more comfortable designing women's skirts than chasing them. He'd also probably have his own show on Bravo.

And don't even get me started on all the ways in which D'Artagnan exemplifies "gay face."

***ADDENDUM*** Mon, Aug 8, 1:59 PM:
I was right!!

Countdown to The Throne.

2011-08-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

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Yep. I'm pumped.

Coconut Water

2011-08-04T22:40:00.001-07:00

So here's the scene...

I'm sauntering through Fresh & Easy dressed in basketball shorts, gym shoes, and a tank top--looking infinitely more health conscious than I actually am. While perusing my options of canned tuna fish, a dude in his mid-30's walks up, glances in my basket, and asks, "Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why do you drink so much of that coconut juice? Is it, like, really good for you?"

I glance down at the six blue bottles of Zico coconut water filling more than sixty-five percent of my carrying basket, think for a moment, and reply, "I dunno. I've read that it's really good for you. I feel like it helps me with hydration...and stuff."

Let me stop right here and tell you that I am a liar, or at least a misrepresenter of facts. If I were telling the God's honest truth, I should've replied, "I've read that it's really good for hydration, not in a medical magazine or on a health blog, but right here on the carton where it says: Natural. Replenish. Rehydrate."

"Gotcha," he replies, "I've been reading a lot about it too. See, my mom has Alzheimers, and I was reading this list of foods that are good for different parts of the body. I guess coconut is really good for your brain."

"Oh yeah!" I declare, as if this was something I'd also read and merely forgotten, then, "I guess that makes sense. I mean, I didn't used to notice it in the stores. And now everybody's got these big displays of coconut water everywhere.* I guess a lot of new studies have come out about how it's really good for you."

He nods, "Yeah. Since the coconut kinda looks like your head, I think what's inside of it is probably good for your brain."

It is at this point in the conversation that I suddenly don't mind offering this guy full disclosure.

"Well, I gotta be honest with you," and I give him my best leveling-with-ya face, "I only started doing coconut water cuz a couple weeks ago I had an evening of heavy drinking and a buddy of mine made me guzzle some at the end of the night. I woke up the next morning and didn't even have a hangover."

"Hmm," he nods while processing this piece of information, "I just read it on that list of foods that are good for different parts of the body. Can't remember where I saw the list though."

"I guess I'll have to Google it."

"Yeah."

We both stand there for a couple moments, surveying the contents of each other's baskets. Me trying to imagine what his mother might look like and what his relationship with her is like now that she has Alzheimers; him most likely wondering if I am an alcoholic based on the sheer volume of "hangover cure" I am taking into stock.** At long last he heads off to the bread aisle and I mosey over to the check-out line where I thank the good Lord that I didn't end the conversation by telling him that in addition to being good for hydration, coconut water tastes delicious when spiked with a healthy pour of mango-flavored vodka.

*What a product conscious consumer I make!

**It should be noted that I've been battling a cold all week. Since I've "read so much" on the hydrating properties of coconut water, I decided that stocking up was the best way for me to follow my doctor's demands to get plenty of fluids. I only consume alcohol socially, responsibly, and on the weekends.

LINKS TO LIKE / How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

2011-08-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

I recently purchased a new set of linens for my bed. I guess I was hoping that a higher thread count would equate to better sleep. Rather than having my Fluff & Fold Goddess Susannah launder them for me, I decided to break in the first wash myself. Problem: I realized that I've never properly folded a fitted sheet.

Now I know what you're thinking... "There's no proper way to fold a fitted sheet, silly! You just roll it up and stuff it underneath the pillowcases in the linen closet."

Well, the Internet would disagree with you. I found the second half of the following video to be very helpful. However, one particular comment at the beginning left me howling with laughter.

Obviously Jill has never tried dating in Los Angeles if she honestly believes one of the biggest challenges you'll face in your life is how to fold a fitted sheet.*

*Confession: Jill makes folding a fitted sheet look much easier than it really is. Figuring out which side of CORNER 3 to tuck into CORNERS 1 + 2 was a real bitch.

THE IRON LADY Poster Revealed!!

2011-07-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

Last week, IMDb.com released the exclusive teaser trailer* for The Iron Lady...a biopic based on the life of Margaret Thatcher starring none other than Meryl Streep. I pulled some strings over at 20th Century Fox and am proud to announce that Chill with Will is offering you the very first look at the official poster for what is sure to be one of the holiday season's hottest Oscar contenders.

Eat your heart out, Christopher Nolan.

*Here's a link: http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3355286553/

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

2011-07-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

Maybe nobody noticed, but I haven't posted a blog in a week and a half. Long story short, I spent the 4th of July weekend in Philadelphia on a family vacation...followed by six days in New York City with more family and friends. Here are the top lessons I learned while I was gone:

iPhone Autocorrect SUCKS. When your boss's wife is in Italy and emailing you at 9:00 AM her time (3:00 AM your time), you should wait until you're coherent enough to respond. I always proofread my emails, but somehow my brain read this: I'm in NYC right now but will send it out as soon as I'm back on Monday.

Here's what I sent instead:

Her response the next day: Okay. But don't "fertile" out too much.

Thank God she has a sense of humor.

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark presents the strongest case ever for a Facebook "dislike" button. I'm writing this the day after I saw the $75 milllion "spectacle" on Broadway. If you put a gun to my head and asked me to hum the tune of a single song in the whole damn musical, I honestly don't think I could do it. I remember titles of songs. One was called "Rise Above," and I remember enjoying the number. However, every time I try to hum it, I start singing Glinda's part from "What Is This Feeling?" in Wicked.* Same goes for Green Goblin's "Freak Like Me Needs Company." I only think of Adina Howard.

Mind you, I was going into this with an open mind. I love spectacle. I'm also a fan of Bono and The Edge...and I used to watch the show's star (Reeve Carney) perform on Wednesday nights at Molly Malone's in Los Angeles**. If anyone was going to enjoy this production...it would be me. I mean, in all fairness...the sets were uncanny. Also, the wire work felt like a living, breathing version of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Yet despite those elements, I was still completely bored out of my mind.

It should be noted that earlier in the week I saw The Book of Mormon. Which has one of the most memorable soundtracks...well...ever. It totally lives up to its hype, but I'm going to stop talking about it now because I don't want to throw out any spoilers.

No matter how diverse your musical tastes are, there is always something new to be discovered in the most unlikely of places. On Saturday evening I joined my friends Laura and Christi at the Weeksville Community Center to see some woman whose name I couldn't pronounce. Beforehand, I read that she had 10 Grammys or something like that. The concert was in this beautiful community garden. Turns out, Me'shell Ndegéocello rocked my face off. Here's a quick video clip of the opening of her performance. Twenty seconds in I turned my camera off and just enjoyed the show (one of my mid-year's resolutions).

At two in the morning, all bets are off. A few things I remember from my waking moments at 2:00 AM... Running into a friend from high school who I haven't seen (literally) in ten years. Watching my sister Bethany attempt to steal a fluffy dog from a creepy Russian on a bicycle. Divulging some of my deepest secrets in a shady Manhattan bar while some stranger across the room snapped candid photos of my buddy and me...next time don't use a flash, idiot. Dancing my ass off on top of a bar. And don't even get me started on the subway...

At four in the morning, all bets are really off. Yeah, I'd expand on this some more...if I remembered what was going every night I stayed up until 4:00 AM.

Sleepless in Seattle is a freakin' lie. I have a soft spot for Nora Ephron...specifically when she's working with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. But when I accompanied my sister, brother-in-law, and the most adorable niece in the world (see images below for proof) to the Empire State Building, I learned that Ms. Ephron wasn't just asking me to suspend my disbelief in regards to a man falling in love with his cross-country stalker (or in regards to Rosie O'Donnell being a straight woman). She was majorly speeding up time when Tom and Meg meet on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The line to get up top is a leg-numbing 90 minute wait. And maybe things were different in a pre-9/11 world...but you don't just walk around the 86th floor with absolutely NO ONE else around.

iPhone Games with Friends are perfect time wasters when you're stuck in a long line. Between Words with Friends, Chess with Friends, and now Hanging with Friends, I managed to maintain my sanity in situations just like the one mentioned above.

iPhone Games with Friends are perfect battery wasters as well. Maybe it was the cutesy cartoon graphics, but I feel like every time I used Hanging with Friends my battery life would decrease by 20%. Oh, and don't even get me started on the energy draining power of the Facebook app.

Harry Potter poster displays make the coolest subway stops. These shitty cell phone photos do NOT give them justice...but use your imagination people...just like you did when you read those seven amazing books.

And last but not least...

Why hasn't there been a buddy road trip movie centered around the Google Street View car? I'd rather see Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman trapped in a car together than switching bodies.

*****

And that's just getting started!! I could fill countless more blog posts about this vacation: There was the 4th of July Spectacular outside of the Philadelphia Museum of the Arts where I lost my shit over The Roots, my mom lost her shit over Earth Wind & Fire, and my sister lost her shit over Boyz II Men (all performing live!). There was also the beauty of The Met...where I witnessed a stunning Alexander McQueen exhibit, accidentally photobombed about 45 tourist pictures in ancient Egypt, and learned the value of "a little splash of cran." Finally, and I can't stress this enough, the movie Jaws is still pretty freaking amazing if you can witness it in a crowded movie theater (thanks IFC Center!!).

*"So I will riiiiiiise above it!"

**Yep. I just dropped an "I knew 'em when..."

Can Somebody Explain LinkedIn To Me?

2011-06-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I've been accepting people on LinkedIn for years now and I don't even know what to call them. On Facebook they're my friends, on Twitter they're my followers, on MySpace they're my Ethiopian spammers... I think they're supposed to be my "connections" on LinkedIn. Maybe? That sounds too similar to a gay dating website though.

I vaguely remember signing up for it a few years ago with promises of revolutionizing my career. So far, the most interaction I've had with the website is accepting people who add me. I don't even have a photo up.

Can anybody tell me what I'm supposed to do on LinkedIn? Maybe it's too functional, and I just don't have the capacity for it. If it's not going to waste my time at work...why would I want to log on anyway?

Books You "Must" Read This Summer

2011-06-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

I recall reading a hilarious blog about a year ago where the author took a bunch of classic novels and added quotation marks to a word or two making them ironic and funny. Every couple of months I see a post on Facebook that would warrant a re-post of this original blog, yet for the life of me I can't seem to find it.

Here is my shoddy attempt at remembering some of the funniest titles. Promise me you'll imagine an ironic eye roll or sarcastic side-eye as you read each word in quotations.

The "Great" Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Red Badge of "Courage" by Stephen Crane

Of Mice and "Men" by John Steinbeck

Pilgrim's "Progress" by John Bunyan

"Little" Women by Louisa May Alcott

The Portrait of a "Lady" by Henry James

As I Lay "Dying" by William Faulkner

Crime and "Punishment" by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The "Good" Earth by Pearl S. Buck

Lady Chatterlay's "Lover" by D.H. Lawrence

"Great" Expectations by Charles Dickens

"Persuasion" by Jane Austen

"Sense" and Sensibility by Jane Austen

::also works the other way::

Sense and "Sensibility" by Jane Austen

Paradise "Lost" by John Milton

The House of "Mirth" by Edith Wharton

As You "Like" It by William Shakespeare

"Beloved" by Toni Morisson

"Common" Sense by Thomas Paine

That's it for now. There are probably hundreds more. Feel free to post your favorites below!

YEAH NEW YORK!!

2011-06-24T19:17:00.001-07:00

Nice work today, gang.

OVERHEARD / Dinner Plans

2011-06-23T18:40:00.001-07:00

Just had this lovely textual exchange with a buddy of mine...

ME: "Still on for dinner tonight? What time works for you?"

BUDDY: "Whatever works for you."

ME: "Cool. I'm done with work now. What're you in the mood for?"

BUDDY: "Pussy."

ME: "Excellent. I know a fantastic Chinese place."

Zing.

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / The Tree of Life

2011-06-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

1.
Nature of Father
The duality of God
Nurture of Mother

2.
Striking images
Symbolism abundant
Kinda sparse on plot

3.
Jessica Chastain
You're in SEVEN films this year?!
Agent must work hard.

4.
Best Film of the Year
Most audiences will loathe
I happen to LOVE.

5.
One element that
Pulled me out of the film though:
C.G.I. Dinos

LINKS TO LIKE / Robyn - "Call Your Girlfriend"

2011-06-22T10:40:00.000-07:00

1. This song is very.*
2. That outfit looks like something my next door neighbor would've picked out for herself when she was six-years-old...and I LOVE IT!
3. I'm now trying to perfect the dance moves from 1:25 - 1:40.

*If you get that reference, then we must plan a movie night soon.

The CAPTCHA with the Pi

2011-06-22T08:53:00.001-07:00

Dear Facebook,

I simply wanted to post a link about Jake Gyllenhaal joining Bear Grylls in Iceland* for the season premiere of Man vs. Wild on my friend's wall. All I have to say is, "WTF, FB?!"

I appreciate your new CAPTCHA system helping to ensure that fewer idiots will click virus spreading links about seeing Osama Bin Laden's dead body or watching the world's fattest baby smoke a cigarette or whatever.** However, isn't this going a little far? I'm pretty adept at producing strange letters with my keyboard. My niece's name is Zoë. That's right, Facebook. We have an umlaut in our family. Also, I sometimes like to mix up emails by throwing in a little Spanglish, "¡See you mañana!"

I'm not trying to brag. I'm merely pointing out that if any Average Joe would be prepared to crack your latest CAPTCHA, it would be me. However, since I'm neither a mathematician nor Darren Aronofsky, I have no earthly idea how to quickly produce the symbol for Pi on my keyboard. Is it possible to stick to letters in the English alphabet and simple, whole numbers...like ones that don't go on for eternity?!

Sincerely,

Will

P.S. In a quarter of the time it took me to write and proofread this blog, I Googled Pi and found out that (on a Mac system, at least) you hold down ALT and the letter p simultaneously. That magic combination of keys will produce: π.

*I've had dreams that start out with this scenario.

**Thank God the spammers haven't started "Hunger Games" related spam links. I'd fall for that shit in an instant!

My Starbucks Order...and why you should care

2011-06-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

This morning I was making eyes with a cute barista when I found myself wishing that I was one of those people who was known by name and regular order at "their" Starbucks. Truth be told, I would be one of those people if I had a Starbucks to call my own. I do order the exact same thing (in the exact same fashion) every time I go. Unfortunately, I'm always on the road between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara, and my routine isn't quite conducive to loyally frequenting the same location.

As I awaited my order, I pondered Starbucks culture and was hit by a lightning bolt. Everything you ever wanted to know about a person is summed up in their usual Starbucks order. For instance, I always go for the same thing: "Trenta-sized, iced, green tea, not sweetened...and a spinach wrap."

Let's break this down:

Trenta-sized: I lead with the size so that the barista knows I'm getting down to business. A person who orders a "trenta" is a "Go Big or Go Home" type of individual. Right up front they're saying, "I'm freakin' thirsty...and the only thing that can quench that thirst is 31 ounces of whatever delicious liquid I'm about to request..."

Iced*: Certain circles of Starbucks aficionadi would argue that this is a superfluous word in my order. Everyone knows that the trenta size is currently only available for iced drinks at The 'Bucks. However, I'm thorough. Sometimes I give more information than is necessary just so I know that everyone is on the same page. Ask anyone that I've been in a relationship with and they will tell you that I often tend to "overshare" my feelings. I also have a tendency to be a real dick under the banner of "just being totally honest." I allow these characters flaws to manifest themselves in the word "ICED."

Green tea: I am a Zen Master. Zen being the flavor of green tea that Starbucks uses for iced drink orders. It's far superior to their other hot green tea flavor, "China Green Tips," which I believe carries a bit of a soapy taste. While I'm on this tangent, I often wish Starbucks would offer a rice-ier green tea. Something along the lines of a genmaicha flavor.**

Not sweetened: I like a strong, bitter tea. I need full flavor to wake up my taste buds in the morning...no hiding behind a sugary pump of syrup. I'm the kinda guy who likes his whiskey neat, his salsa muy caliente, and his music cranked to eleven. When I make tea at home, I never read the "recommended steeping time." I leave the bag in until I've finished off the whole damn cup. There's nothing quite like that last gulp, which I would describe as a gang of rabid antioxidants having an orgy in your throat.

...and a Spinach Wrap: I can't maintain this svelte figure on pumpkin bread and old fashioned donuts. Clocking in at 280 calories, the Breakfast Wrap (with its spinach, egg whites, and feta cheese) is a surprisingly delicious and nutritious way to kick start a morning. Thank you very much!

So, that pretty much sums up my order. Now the trick is finding a "grande, iced Americano with a veggie, artisan breakfast sandwich" or maybe even a "tall, extra coffee caramel frap, with soy milk and no whip" with whom I can share a lifetime of happiness and jazzy music.

Meh. With my luck, my soul mate probably spends all their time at The Coffee Bean...

*Can I just spend a moment on how much I love the ice chips at Starbucks? By the time the drink is finished, they have melted down to just the right amount of thickness for a totally enjoyable ice crunching experience. That's right. I'm an ice chewer. Always have been and probably always will be. In high school a friend of mine told me that chewing ice is a sign of sexual frustration... Indeed.

**Knocking your socks off with my knowledge of green teas here!

OVERHEARD / Afternoon Movie Plans

2011-06-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

My friend Laurianne is on her cell phone. She said the following:

"Yeah. We're gonna go see 'Bridesmaids' this afternoon."

::Pause::

"Bridesmaids."

::Pause::

"You know...it's that movie about the bridesmaids."

Indeed.

LINKS TO LIKE / Stuck

2011-06-17T11:16:00.001-07:00

Wow. I can't say enough good things about this short. I totally know what I'm doing the next time I get stuck in an airport...

STUCK from Joe Ayala on Vimeo.

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / Bridesmaids

2011-06-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

1.
Bridesmaids, oh, BRIDESMAIDS!!
You are a breath of fresh air!
Laugh so hard you'll pee.

2.
It's not a sequel?!
God bless Mumolo and Wiig's
ORIGINAL script!!

3.
Hey Maya Rudolph,
You deserve an Oscar for
Shitting in the street.

4.
One minor complaint:
Less baking montages, please.
More girls having fun!

5.
Comedic Goddess
Wendi McLendon-Covey
I love love LOVE YOU!!*

*Like, for real. Every single one of your lines cracked me up. You are the only reason I will endure an "extended cut" on Blu-Ray...cuz you know Paul Feig and Judd Apatow just can't resist shoving another 35 minutes onto an already lengthy running time for that release. At least five of those minutes better be focused you...I'm fine if the rest are all Melissa McCarthy.

Eek!

2011-06-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

Currently at a short film festival. When a director finishes introducing his short "experimental" film and says, "I'm gonna go pee," it's a BAD SIGN.

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / The Hangover Part II

2011-06-16T19:00:00.000-07:00

1.
A spoiler alert:
This flick wreaks like spoiled meat
Hangover Part Ewww!!

2.
Hangover sequel
Felt more like the Saw franchise
Groan more than you laugh.

3.
A severed finger?
Death by cocaine overdose?
Who thinks this is fun?!

4.
Galifianakis*
Much funnier in Due Date
And that flick was shit.

5.
Drug dealing monkey
Best performance in the film
Yet he phones it in.

*Ugh...could your name have any more syllables...or random vowels?!

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / X-Men: First Class

2011-06-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

1.
Mutants in mod clothes
Can't help that they're born this way.
Mad Men meets Gaga?

2.
Comic book movie
Set against the Bay of Pigs
Brings home the Bacon*.

3.
Hey James McAvoy,
You'll win your Oscar one day.
Keep up the good work.

4.
With two editors
This should have a lot more cuts.
Two hours ten minutes?!?!

5.
January Jones
You are a freakin' fembot.
Acting lessons soon?

*Kevin Bacon, that is.

Beep beep!

2011-06-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

Dear West Hollywood AIDSMobile,

I totally respect the work that you do. Your centralized location in the heart of the Santa Monica Blvd bar scene reminds everyone to stop and think for just a moment before stumbling home with a random stranger picked up at a 2:00 AM "sidewalk sale" when the bars start kicking people out. Furthermore, your proximity to Millions of Milk Shakes is perfect for anyone who steps out of your cab less a pint of blood and needs to raise their sugar levels. You are a West Hollywood icon*.

However, I gotta admit that this recently snapped image isn't doing anything positive for your image. Anyone would be skeptical to step inside, much less allow a needle anywhere near a major vein considering this shoddy setup:

Here's hoping you get your act together, West Hollywood AIDSMobile. Otherwise you may have to relocate somewhere south of downtown.

Sincerely,

Will

*Just like dodgeball on Tuesdays, marijuana dispensaries, and WeHo Jesus.

"You on candid camera!!"

2011-06-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir with the Insatiable Hunger for Pinkberry,

You thought I was so wrapped up in my Scrabble app that I wouldn't notice as you "stealthily" breezed past me in line last night. You misinterpreted my focus on my iPhone as a "lack of interest" in the BRAND NEW flavors unveiled for the summer. You, sir, were wrong in this assumption. After waiting behind eight other people, I was just as anxious as you were to sample both WATERMELON and SALTED CARAMEL.* You're fortunate your sneak move was so unabashedly comical. Under normal circumstances, I would have simply cut back in front of you, reclaiming my rightful place in line. However, your obviously sloppy attempt at "butting" prompted me to test a skill I've been meaning to develop: the "Sneak Attack" iPhone Photo of an Unaware Stranger.

This, sir, is the true definition of stealth:

Sincerely,

Will

P.S. As someone who frequents crowded theme parks, I suggest that in the future you don't turn around to stare at the person you're cutting seven times. Most people aren't as forgiving as me. It's better to keep your eyes on the prize and let them stare at the back of your head while working up the nerve to call you out on your social faux pas.

*I originally went in thinking I'd order a salted caramel after sampling the flavors. Surprisingly, watermelon completely won me over. I'm almost ready to declare it the flavor of the summer.

Bradley Cooper is NOT what the French call "les incompetents"

2011-06-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

I love how serious Bradley Cooper looks when he's speaking French. Someone should remind him that he's promoting a movie where Zach Galifianakis tricks a monkey into simulating fellatio on a wrinkled Asian man.

Also, I love that The Hangover Part II translates into Very Bad Trip 2. I haven't seen it yet, but if the Rotten Tomatoes score is any indicator, the "French title" is more accurate.

Stole this link from friend Isaac's blog. He's funnier and more prolific in his posts. Check out He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy post haste!

GILTy Until Proven Innocent

2011-06-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have a little problem with online shopping. I won't go into specifics, but let's just say that my U.P.S. guy visits approximately three times a week and knows more about my life than most of the people I consider friends. One week, he delivered me four new pairs of shoes.*

When it comes to apparel, online retailers are the Blofeld to my James Bond. Or maybe it's the other way around since the online retailers always seem to win. Either way...we're archnemeses.** After a couple years in the struggle to spare both my bank account and the fortitude of my closet, I think I've pinpointed how they attack my psyche. It's not just clearance rack prices and free shipping (both ways!!) that get me. It's the freakin' models!

When I go to a department store, I'm supposed to look at the headless/faceless mannequin and imagine that article of clothing looking fantastic on my body. Sorry, Macy's. It doesn't work like that for me. HOWEVER, when I'm clicking around GILT Group and see a handsome model with a worked out body wearing a new t-shirt from Penguin, I immediately think to myself, "I'm positive my jawline will look just as defined if I'm wearing that same shirt." Click. Click. Click.

Since coming to this realization, I've actually curbed my online purchases. And by curbed, I mean Rob in the Big Brown Truck of Happiness only visits once a week now...typically to deliver "essential items." Now every time I'm about to throw a pair of jeans in my virtual cart, I remind myself that they will not inflate my biceps. I was practically tasting my victory over online purchases. Until...

Amazon introduced MYHABIT.com

Don't get too excited. It's pretty much GILT Group except you log in with your Amazon account. But they've upped the ante. When you click on a potential item of clothing, a model steps forward and shows off the clothes for you. That's right. They've added video.

I'd share a link, but you have to be a member to access the site. I'd invite you, but I'd hate to risk creating other addicts (even though they'd probably give me $10 off my next purchase for signing you up).

Now, you savvy shoppers are probably saying, "Big flippin' deal! Zappos has had video for months now."

And, you're correct. Except on Zappos you have to search for the video and let it load. Here the model greets you at the front door. I can practically hear him saying, "Hey there, Will. You think these jeans make my eyes sparkle? They do. But that's not all. Watch what happens when I put my hands in the pockets. BAM! Instant triceps. You like that? Wait. There's more. Watch how fun it is to turn around in a circle. Yeah. You'd really enjoy walking in circles...if you were wearing these jeans."

Thank God Abercrombie wasn't the first to think of this because the next step would have the model taking the shirt off and placing it in your virtual cart if you click to purchase it.

Oh, shit. I'm giving them ideas.

*Dear Zappos and GILTGroup, Can we space out the deals on my favorite brands a little better? Thanks to you, the only way I can justify my shoe budget is if I sell my car and move to New York City.

**I just had to Google "archnemesis plural" to spell that word. It reminded of a scene with Greg Kinnear in Mystery Men. Which just reminded me that Geoffrey Rush was fantastic as the villain in Mystery Men. Actually, Geoffrey Rush is always fantastic...especially as a villain. I still need to finish that blog post about how he's the unsung hero of the Pirates of the Caribean franchise. Yes, I think Captain Barbossa is a better character than Captain Jack Sparrow. No, I'm not crazy. Jack Sparrow isn't fun without an equally compelling foil to play off...***

***Shit. I just stream-of-consciousness'ed my footnote. I also footnoted a footnote. Is that like incepting a footnote? Can you do that? Is that grammatically correct? Will my footnote get lost in purgatory?

Possibly my last blog post ever...

2011-05-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

Today I was iChatting with my mom (who lives on the east coast). We were discussing everything from Chaz Bono on Oprah to whether or not Mom will enjoy the movie Bridesmaids*. We landed on the subject of the rapture possibly occurring tomorrow. Here's a snippet of our conversation:

Mom: she had breasts removed, but doesn't have a penis...
Mom: can you get a penis...
Mom: like from a donor?????

Will: i THINK they do penis tranpslants.
Will: but I've never looked into it.

Mom: maybe someone wanting to be a woman
Mom: ??

Will: now THAT is very doable.
Will: i've seen a documentary on it.
Will: oh, wait, you mean, like, switching?

Mom: What becoming a woman?

Will: yeah, i know that a man who wants to be a woman can have his penis removed

Mom: yeah
Mom: i think it would be easier to go that way

(Will disappears for a moment while he "likes" some Facebook statuses)

Will: i don't know if they can put it on a woman.
Will: i'll have to read up on this.
Will: what a strange world we live in.

Mom: I'd forgotten what we were talking about
Mom: before you paused for a bit
Mom: he...chaz...has an autobiography out now
Mom: i think i'll read (listen) to rob lowe's first

Will: haha...sorry for disappearing...i was reading your FB wall

Mom: don't be sorry
Mom: you can't be sorry...you're getting raptured tomorrow at 6pm
Mom: does that mean I'll be raptured 3 hours before you?

Will: probably
Will: try to hold a spot for me at the table with the rest of the family.
Will: i'll be the last Sherrod to show up.

Mom: Dad will be waiting for us.
Mom: he'll have our seats picked out.

Will: it'll be a record
Will: first time that he's ever the first to show up to something!

Mom: LOL!!!!!
Mom: you're going to make me wet my pants!

***

If we are raptured tomorrow, it'll be great to see you again Daddy-O. The girls and I have missed you...even though we still joke about your lack of punctuality. In the likely event that we're NOT raptured, I'd like to say that I'm grateful to be stuck here on earth with the best family and friends a guy could possibly have.

*YES, she will love Bridesmaids.

When Doves Cry...

2011-05-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I made the trek all the way out to The Forum in Inglewood with fifteen friends to see Prince perform. Here are the two pictures I managed to snap with my camera phone.*

It may not be a "little red Corvette," but that van fit sixteen crazy concert-goers. You'd think we were going to pull an "inception" on Prince.

Drinking Four Loko is enough to make the doves cry.

*When traveling to Inglewood, it's important to keep all belongings on your person at all times. I will miss you, Panasonic Digital Camera. We captured some AMAZING times together.

OH! And my friend snapped this photo, which I spiced up in Photoshop:

Nice work, Pocket. Way to give us all a story to remember!

A Tribute to Jenna Maroney

2011-05-05T13:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Jane Krakowski (and the underhumans known as "writers" on 30 Rock),

Whenever I have copious amounts of downtime and get bored at work, you brighten day via Hulu. On days when my boss is in the office (read: today), I can't make it obvious that I'm just sitting on my ass watching sitcoms. You specifically, Ms. Krakowski, make this tough. I'm excellent at hiding a video screen whenever someone walks past my desk. However, I'm not so good at stifling the laughter from your perfect delivery of some of the funniest lines on television. Since I'm trying to "look busy" today--and I'm completely caught up on the current seasons of 30 Rock, Modern Family, and Raising Hope--I'm taking a moment to list the top 15 quotes that have produced the loudest, longest laughs from your's truly in the first five seasons of 30 Rock.

Sincerely,

Will

15. "Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's Apple."

14. "And no making fun of me for using outdated pop culture references. Are we cowabunga on this?"

13. "If I wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again."

12. "Oh, I've taken action. It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing."

11. "Dr. Drew called me un-fixable."

10. "There are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian sex party."

9. "Drama is gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes."

8. "I swear to Kabbalah monster, those jeans are perfect. Look at your butt."

7. "This is the defining thing of my life. It's not gonna be that hit-and-run!"

6. "Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong."

5. "Could a bad mom have raised a daughter who was engaged to a Congressman when she was 16?"

4. "Listen up, Fives! A TEN is speaking!!"

3. "Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one; it's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me."

2. "Last night was a disaster...and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit."

And the quote that I will NEVER forget, from the Jackie Jormp-Jomp storyline in which Jack Donaghey suggests Jenna fake her death to gain attention for the biopic she starred in "loosely implied by" the life of Janis Joplin...

1. "Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear."

It's been over two weeks since I saw SCRE4M...

2011-05-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

...and aside from the fairly clever opening, the only memorable element of the movie is Hayden Panettiere's sassy haircut.

Holy shit! A Culkin was in the movie?!

What I Felt

2011-05-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on my couch watching a horror movie with a few friends when the announcement was made. When the movie ended and I was in my room changing into pants to go out for dinner, my buddy said, "Hey Will. Hop online. I just got an email that says Osama bin Laden is dead."

I hopped over to my iMac and, sure enough, Google News was bursting with headlines marking bin Laden's death.

The video stream on CNN.com wasn't loading fast enough so I clicked over to my number one source of news coverage: Facebook. My News Feed was hemorrhaging with status updates of all varieties voicing the same resounding message...Osama bin Laden is dead.

They ranged from the humorous: "And in a final act of terrorism, Osama bin Laden has to go and screw up my date night." To the lyrical: "Obama said Osama's dead. Say that five times fast." To the inspirational: "It's amazing how the morale and general attitude of everyone here in Afghanistan has improved so vastly in a matter of minutes." To the sentimental: "America. Fuck yeah!"

My favorite update came from my brother-in-law: "Well, I guess Toby Keith will finally have something new to sing about."

Not wanting to be left out, I typed in the first thing that came to mind... "Does this mean Sarah Palin's not getting elected in 2012?" I posted it and went off to dinner.

About five minutes into the walk to the restaurant, I started getting nervous. My Facebook friends are pretty evenly split between a bunch of Bible-totin', Republican-votin', salt-of-the-Earth kind of people back in Southwest Florida, and a large brigade of liberal homosexuals in Los Angeles. I can't think of a time that I posted a politically-charged status update to Facebook without creating a small comment war between people who only share awareness of my existence as a connection.

I checked my Wall a couple times over dinner. Lots of "likes" and no negative comments. I kept checking over and over until a strange thought dawned on me.

I didn't really care if my status update started a dispute between some of my Facebook friends. That had happened plenty of times before, and I always just sat back and watched the entertainment. In actuality, I was suddenly embarrassed because I publicly posted a comment about the event in the first place.

I thought, "Is a Sarah Palin joke really the way I want to think back on this night in history?"

I quickly erased my status and began an attempt to craft a new one.

Being the guy who gets choked up during any fireworks display on the 4th of July, I quickly wrote... "So proud to be an American right now!" But then I decided to change it to a comment more directly about the event... "I can't wait to hear an interview with whoever killed Osama bin Laden." That made me think about my friends in the military, and I quickly switched to... "LET'S GET OUR TROOPS HOME NOW!!" But then I wondered about how long it would actually take before our troops could come home. And what kind of thoughts must be running through the heads of the people who were there when bin Laden died. Then I thought about what this must feel like for anyone who lost a loved one in the attacks on 9/11 or the war overseas in the decade since.

I decided not to post anything.

Sometimes a quick status update just isn't enough space for me to process something. Sometimes it takes 578 words to realize that some thoughts and emotions just can't be contained by words in the first place.

***

Editorial Note: There has been some discrepancy over the sentence: "My Facebook friends are pretty evenly split between a bunch of Bible-totin', Republican-votin', salt-of-the-Earth kind of people back in Southwest Florida, and a large brigade of liberal homosexuals in Los Angeles." It should be noted that these are not my only criteria for friendship. I have many, MANY amazing friends who are neither Republican nor gay. I also have many friends who live in New York, Chicago, Austin, San Francisco...hell, some of them reside overseas! I admit that the generalization is unfair to the true demographics of my Facebook friend list...however, I'm leaving it in there because it's the most economical way for me to describe the broad spectrum of people who comprise that friend list. People that I love regardless of their political stances, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, and geographical locations.

Plus, that sentence makes me chuckle every time I read it...so it's staying in. WS, 5/3/11

I didn't watch the Royal Wedding...

2011-04-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

...but I did have one thought after perusing pictures online this morning:

If Stanley Kubrick were alive today and looking to make a film about flight attendants, Victoria Beckham would be a shoo in.

I've finally made a decision...

2011-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

I've gone back and forth on this for weeks now...and it's been a tough one. But, I've weighed the pros and the cons. And, at long last, I have reached a conclusion...

I want to see the Justin Bieber movie.

Secret It!!

2011-01-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

I believe in The Secret now.

About an hour ago I was thinking... "I'd really LOVE an ice cream cone right now." I could practically taste it.

One of my coworkers just walked into my office with a half eaten soft serve cone from Foster's Freeze. There were still, like, two little chunks of the hand-dipped chocolate shell clinging to the quickly melting ice cream. I devoured it.

Does this mean that one day I might win a half-eaten Oscar statuette?

Fingers crossed.

A few thoughts on this morning's Oscar nominations...

2011-01-25T09:09:00.001-08:00

1. This ten nominees thing (once again) is pretty stupid. Winter's Bone was not that good. I fell asleep watching it at Sundance last year. The fact that The Town got pushed out of the Best Picture and Screenplay nominations is pretty freaking annoying.

2. Totally not surprised that the Coen Bros. sneaked into the Directing nominations.

3. However... TOTALLY surprised that they pushed Christopher Nolan out instead of David O. Russell. Not because The Fighter was bad...but mostly because I thought most of Hollywood hated David O. Russell and didn't really mind Christopher Nolan so much. Guess I was wrong.

4. They don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning, but my favorite acting nominees are Jesse Eisenberg, Michelle Williams, and Jacki Weaver.

5. Christian Bale will most likely win Supporting Actor. And that's totally deserved.

6. The Social Network better win everything else.

10 from '10: Favorite Movies

2011-01-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know that I'm even going to be able to come up with 10 movies from 2010 to put on my "best of" list. But, I know 2010 was a hell of a lot better than last year (when the only two movies I was willing to admit I thoroughly enjoyed were Up in the Air and The Hangover).

Here are my favorites of this year:

1. Toy Story 3
2. The Social Network
3. Piranha
4. Inception
5. How to Train Your Dragon
6. Exit Through the Gift Shop
7. The Town
8. True Grit

Okay, that's it. I can't even come up with a full ten. I mean, I liked Black Swan, Waiting for Superman, The King's Speech, Tangled, Winter's Bone, 127 Hours, The Red Riding Trilogy, and a handful of other movies. I thought Jackie Weaver's performance in Animal Kingdom was hands down the best acting I saw all year long. However, I don't know that I'll ever feel the need to go back and re-watch any of them. That should be a criteria for one of your favorite movies...right?

Not be a Negative Nancy, but here's my list of the 12 WORST movies of 2010 (I'm adding two to account for the missing numbers in my "favorites" list):

1. Skyline
2. For Colored Girls
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street
4. Clash of the Titans
5. Robin Hood
6. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
7. Predators
8. Knight and Day
9. The Last Airbender
10. Date Night
11. Saw 3D
12. The Kids Are All Right

My cinematic New Years Resolution in 2011 is to watch more documentaries and foreign films. I saw a lot of great documentaries on Netflix this year that I wish I'd experienced when they came out.

Top 10 Suggestions for Making Tyler Perry's "For Colored Girls" More Watchable

2010-11-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

1. Recast Martin Lawrence in Whoopi Goldberg's role "Alice/White."

2. Recast Eddie Murphy in Loretta Devine's role "Juanita/Green."

3. Recast Marlon Wayans in Kimberly Elise's role "Crystal/Brown."

4. Recast Shawn Wayans in Thandie Newton's role "Tangie/Orange."

5. Recast Keenan Ivory Wayans in Anika Noni Rose's role "Yasmine/Yellow."

Oh shit, are we out of Wayans's already?!

6. Recast Don Cheadle as Janet Jackson's role "Jo/Red."

7. Recast Chris Rock as Kerry Washington's role "Kelly/Blue."

8. Recast Bow Wow as Tessa Thompson's role "Nyla/Purple."

9. Recast Anthony Anderson as Phylicia Rashad's role "Gilda the Angy Building Manager with Sage Advice in Times of Trouble."

10. Keep Macy Gray as "Rose the Back Alley Abortionist," but transfer her scene to 3D. That shit is rull scurry, yo!

FNL-LY!!!

2010-07-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Emmy's,

I don't think I've ever watched one of your telecasts. I vaguely recall YouTubing one of Tina Fey's many acceptance speeches over the past few years.

I WILL WATCH THIS YEAR. That's how much I love Coach & Mrs. Taylor. Even though I'm sure you'll probably give the awards to someone from Mad Men.

Yours Truly,

Will

The Boy Without The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo On His iPad

2010-07-06T11:35:00.001-07:00

I know this is going to get me on whitewhine.tumblr.com but...

Can anybody tell me why the book that Entertainment Weekly deems the "hottest book on the planet" isn't available in Apple's iBooks store? Apparently I can get it here on Amazon'sKindle, which does have an app for the iPad. However, based on all the app reviews I've read, the iBooks app blows the Kindle app out of the water.

Although, I'm not sure why I'm this adamant about getting it on iBooks. I just double checked and Amazon is selling Tinkers (this year's Pulitzer Prize winner) for $5.99, while Apple is peddling it for $11.99. This reminds me of my loyalty to Amazon mp3 Download Store over iTunes. Despite my belief that Apple has superior devices for listening to music and reading books (iPod, iPhone, iPad...), Amazon just does a better job at getting me the content I want at an affordable price.

Now if only Amazon sold digital comic books...

*P.S. Can anybody remember the last time a book was featured on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? I may be getting my hopes up a little too high for this one.

Before you pay to see 'The Last Airbender' this weekend, please remember this...

2010-07-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

I named my new iPhone SHARON JONES...

2010-06-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

...because just like Ms. Jones it is BLACK and SASSY!!

How KNIGHT AND DAY Shoulda Ended...

2010-06-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

Dear James Mangold,

You're welcome. This past weekend I got my butt off the couch and relocated to a movie theater where I saw your latest film, Knight and Day. I use the term "film" very loosely as it looked more like a made-for-TV movie...and not the HBO kind.

I'm going to go ahead and give you a spoiler alert, James. I'd like to talk in length about some plot points in your movie. You may be saying to yourself, "I directed this movie. Why would I need a spoiler alert?"

You see, I have my doubts that you actually made it to the end of your own movie, James.

In the first act, super-spy ~~Ethan Hunt~~ Tom Cruise runs into super-cutie Cameron Diaz at an airport. They exchange romantic-comedy dialogue and accidentally get on the same flight. It's an accident because Cameron wasn't supposed to be on the plane populated entirely by CIA hitmen and hitladies. Apparently, Tom stole a super-awesome battery that could run an entire city for a month or something. Someone in the CIA wants to sell it into the wrong hands, so Tom decided he would protect it with his perfectly manicured hands.

I want to pause here, James, and point out that I've rewritten that last paragraph about seven different times. I can't remember what parts of the setup are actually paid off in the conclusion. This is a bad sign, James.

Mid-flight, Cameron spills tequila on herself and takes an incredibly long bathroom break. Her bathroom break is so long, it gives Tommy Boy ample time to kill every mercenary on the flight. Just out of curiosity, James, how many times on set did you spill tequila on yourself and need an incredibly long bathroom break?

That was a rhetorical question. I'm really afraid of the answer.

You see, movies don't direct themselves, James. Just like planes need pilots, movies need direc...

Oh.

Wait.

I forgot that you're a strong believer in autopilot. Judging by the scene in which Tom kills both pilots on the mercenary-filled flight, then manages to make two cocktails, make out with Cameron, and not experience the slightest shimmy of turbulence.

I realize I'm being nitpicky here. But you have no idea how many times I rolled my eyes in your movie, James. After the plane sequence, the movie quickly devolves into Cameron being drugged and dragged around the globe while Tom does all kinds of Jason Bourne-esque tricks. Somewhere along the way Cameron falls in love with this psycho...though I didn't really understand why, nor did I care.

A few years ago you directed a little John Cusack thriller called Identity. I really enjoyed that film (don't fault me for it, I was in film school at the time and didn't know the difference between Roger Avary's Rules of Attraction and Shinola). I loved that big twist at the end...where we find out that all the characters are merely split personalities of the same psychotic serial killer.

Knight and Day really needed a similar twist to make the "story" work. Here's what I was thinking...

Keep the movie exactly the way it is. Super-awesome battery stays. Cheesy romantic comedy dialogue remains intact. Confusing CIA story lines stick around. Paul Dano can even keep his "pre-pubescent" mustache (it looks about as believable as the CGI bulls that chase Tom and Cameron on a motorbike).

The movie ends, but instead of rolling the credits, we cut back to Cameron on the flight to Boston. She takes another shot of tequila as she turns the final page in her Harlequin romance novel (aptly titled Knight and Day). I really feel that twist would've brought all sorts of credibility to your crazy movie, James. But then again, I'm not the one getting paid to write screenplays or direct films, am I?

I'd continue to rip on your movie, but I've already taken up enough of your time. Not a full two hours and ten minutes like you took from me this past weekend...but I guess I gave it up willingly. And that's no one's fault but my own.

In closing, I will admit that the one upside to Knight and Day is I won't get you confused with Taylor Hackford anymore, James. Well played.

Sincerely,

Will Sherrod

The Bad Movie Chart

2010-06-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched Showgirls. My friend "X" and I had been talking about having a "bad movie night" for a couple of weeks. "X" shall remain nameless because being outted on the internet for sitting through all 2 hours and 15 minutes of Showgirls (you read that right, TWO HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES where each passing minute is more morally bankrupt than its predecessors) is almost worse than being a Republican caught with a rentboy.com account.

Showgirls had less taste than the stripper pole Elizabeth Berkeley meticulously tongues twenty minutes into the "film."

"X" and I had fun making Mystery Science Theater 3000 style jokes throughout the movie. I must admit, as much as I hated the story and characters, I laughed my ass off (almost inducing an asthma attack...I swear). As I went to bed, with visions of Jessie Spano flailing about like a child inflicted with Tourette's syndrome and Gina Gershon slipping in and out of accents that ranged from Southern Slut and Jersey Shore Jezebel to some version of Julia Child attempting cockney articulation, I realized that I needed to define what I consider to be a "good" bad movie.

As a self-proclaimed aficionado of bad cinema, I came up with the following chart:

1. CULT CLASSIC BAD
Good kind of Bad
Anybody who's ever been to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture or Tommy Wiseau's The Room knows exactly what I'm talking about. This is a very rare category of bad cinema in which a movie is so bad entire groups of people get together to lampoon it. If you sit and watch a cult classic by yourself, you'll most likely turn it off before you reach the end of the film. These movies are only entertaining when they're experienced with lots and lots of friends (usually in costumes and carrying bags of props).

See also: Troll 2, The Forbidden Zone, most of John Waters' canon

2. IRISH CAR BOMB BAD
Good kind of Bad
A step down from the cult classic bad films are movies that are beyond entertaining when you're under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, or some weird combination of painkillers and ginger ale (I watched a lot of bad movies when my molars were removed in college). This category is usually filled with sci-fi action (Tron, Starship Troopers), grotesque horror (Tremors, Freddy vs. Jason) or blaxploitation comedy (when I'm a little tipsy, there is nothing funnier than Wanda Sykes playing Biggie Shorty in Pootie Tang).

NOTE: Unless you're recovering from surgery, this category is also only acceptable in group form...you crazy alcoholics.

See also: Armageddon, The People Under the Stairs, Undercover Brother

3. GUILTY PLEASURE BAD
"Good" kind of Bad
This is a very personal category. Every person has at least one movie that they're ashamed to admit to loving. That movie isn't fun when you're drunk. It's not fun with a group. Every time you mention enjoying it, someone scoffs at you and you lose all credibility for ever recommending a film again. For me, that movie is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

See! Half of you stopped reading right there. I could spend hours talking about how it feels like a $200 million Ed Wood film. I could write multiple blog posts on how much I hated the first one but found the second one to be so ridiculously gratuitous that it exists in its own universe and still manages to hold my attention for its ungodly running time no matter when it's on. None of those defenses hold water. So, as with all guilty pleasures, I will tuck my tail between my legs and admit that it is a total piece of shit...then run home and fire up my blu-ray player because it's still in there from the last time I watched it.

NOTE: If your guilty pleasure has higher than a 35% on Rotten Tomatoes, it doesn't count...unless of course you secretly loved Precious because it's the most you've ever stifled laughter in a movie theater.

See also: Yeah, right...like I'm gonna admit to any more of these...

4. NETFLIX INSTANT BAD
Neutral kind of Bad
This is a category that collects all films deemed "mediocre." A recent example of this for me is Julie & Julia. When it was in the theater last summer, I asked everyone who saw it what they thought of it and I always got the same reaction: "Well, the movie's kinda slow and exactly what you'd expect, but Meryl Streep is REALLY good." That kind of "glowing" review won't get me to run to the nearest movie theater. It also won't get me to walk to the Blockbuster next door...or alter my Netflix queue so that it's mailed to me the minute it's available on DVD. However, I do feel like I owe it to Meryl to watch everything she does, and I'd rather not have to sit through commercials. So the minute it was available to stream to my TV, unedited, for free, I watched it.

And, yeah, Meryl was good.

See also: Changeling, The Blind Side

5. CABLE TELEVISION BAD
Bad kind of Bad
This is a step down from the Netflix Instant category. Notice that I never said Julie & Julia was particularly bad, it just wasn't particularly good either. Any movie that you wait until it premieres on TBS, TNT, or Comedy Central is obviously something you were never really interested in seeing in the first place...but maybe it had some strange element that grabbed your attention when you were flipping channels one Saturday afternoon. For me, this movie was Ang Lee's Hulk. I'd heard nothing but bad things, and the monstrous running time scared me away from going in the theaters. But, one day I was home bored and came across it on USA Network or something. The fact that it had commercials meant I could clean my apartment or work on my taxes or whatever was my "chore" that day without devoting my full attention to the television (I'm very easily distracted from my chores). I'd always been curious about where Ang Lee went wrong with the movie and, surprisingly, I found myself entertained enough to watch about two hours of it (probably only half of the film when you factor in commercials).

NOTE: I don't recommend this category if you're watching a bad movie like, say, Wild Things. They edit out the "good bits." And we all know T&A is the only reason anyone would sit through a Denise Richards picture.

See also: Any movie based on a Stephen King book that's NOT helmed by an A-list director

6. JUST PLAIN BAD
Bad kind of Bad
Did anyone expect Norbit to be good? Was anybody surprised that Furry Vengeance pulled a whopping 6% on Rotten Tomatoes? Some movies are so bad that you can't even make it to the end of the trailer. Nobody watches these movies except for the voters at the Razzie Awards. Let's keep it that way, folks.

See also: Gigli, Basic Instinct 2, Catwoman, I Know Who Killed Me, any Diane Keaton film that's NOT helmed by an A-list director, any film where Anthony Anderson gets top billing, any film with the name "Uwe Boll" anywhere in its credits.

7. TOTAL FUCKING LETDOWN BAD
Absolute worst kind of Bad
May 19, 1999. Do you remember that feeling you had when you walked out of Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace? Do you remember wanting to throw George Lucas off a very tall bridge?

In my opinion, the absolute worst kind of movie isn't one where Eddie Murphy dons a fat suit, or Diane Keaton plays someone's overbearing mother, or Paris Hilton "emotes." The worst kind of film is one you're genuinely looking forward to seeing that sorely lets you down. These bad films sneak up on you and kick you in the nuts, then fart in your face while you're rolling around on the ground in agony. One minute, you're more or less having fun reliving your childhood and forgiving a few misplaced CGI gophers...the next Shia TheBeef is swinging from tree to tree with a bunch of monkeys while Indiana Jones continues his quest to discover alien skulls. Ouch.

This can also apply to movies that you originally plan on putting in the "Cable Television Bad" category. If I can be so bold as to reference another Michael Bay flick...I remember expecting to dislike The Island. The trailers made it look like a flashy, over-produced, action flick with no interesting contribution to the science fiction genre. I got into a free screening at work, and was actually shocked to find myself enjoying the first half. The characters were interesting. The movie pretended like it was going to explore the moral implications of cloning. There was mystery. There was drama. And then, about halfway through, Steve Buscemi crashes the party. He reveals the big mystery to the main characters, tells them what they have to do to stay alive, then gets out an actual map and traces out the rest of their steps through the third act. No more mystery. No more surprise. From that scene on the movie became a flashy, over-produced, action flick with no interesting contribution to the science fiction genre!! It tricked me!

See also: The Da Vinci Code, Hannibal, Spider-Man 3, The Lovely Bones, pretty much anytime Tim Burton decides to "re-imagine" something

I might dress up for Comic-Con this Summer

2010-06-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'd go as Jake Gyllenhaal in the Prince of Persia...

I know there are "expensive-Hollywood-personal-trainer-shaped" abs somewhere under those garments.

Eek...

2010-05-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

Some would argue that there is no sound when a star turns into a black hole.

I submit this as evidence to the contrary:

Skype Spam

2010-04-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

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FML: Somebody shoot me!

2010-04-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

Remember when movies were good?

Yeah. Me neither.

Kentucky Fried Chicken's Biggest Fan

2010-04-12T16:38:00.001-07:00

In honor of the Double Down being unleashed on humanity today, let's check in with Eric Cartman...

CHECK THIS OUT: The Backwards Art of Alexa Meade

2010-04-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

Just found this cool new artist yesterday... 23-year-old Alexa Meade paints with acrylics, but instead of painting her subjects on a canvas, she canvases her subjects in paint. Great artists make us look at the world in a different way...and what she does makes me do a double take, questioning the difference between reality and 2D. I won't pretend to be an art scholar or critic here, I'll just post some photos and a link to her website so you can check out more stuff (definitely click on the link--she's got even cooler stuff there).

Enjoy!

http://alexameade.com/

All the single ladies...

2010-04-08T17:22:00.001-07:00

...put your hands up!!

Proof that I am literate...

2010-04-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

Thank you, sporcle.com.

A Date with Double Down

2010-04-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

Look what came in the mail last night!!

"You are cordially invited to attend the clogging of your arteries..."

Fun with Old Posters

2010-04-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

What's scarier? The fact that the crab is about 100 times its actual size. Or the fact that it slightly resembles a drunk Wallace Shawn.

Black Hawk Double Down

2010-04-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Bacon. Jack Cheese. Creamy Mayo-based Sauce. All sandwiched between TWO pieces of boneless, battered, deep fried chicken. Only the evil supervillains at Kentucky Fried Chicken could nightmare up something so unholy. Today they announced that it's debuting in restaurants across our great nation on April 12th.

I feel fatter just looking at the picture.

Here's the heartstopping caloric info. Which they proudly display...

Never one to pass up a challenge, I will eat spinach, blueberries, and almonds (and drink only green tea) from this day through April 11th, when I will post a blog that shall serve as my last will and testament. On April 12th, I'll send text messages to my loved ones before hitting the KFC Drive Thru. I will order the KFC Original Recipe Double Down and the largest order of fries they can muster. I'll sit in my car in the KFC parking lot (I mean, honestly, if you're gonna be a pig you might as well go all out) and consume the entire meal.

For good measure, I'll wash it all down with a 32oz Diet Coke.

Paging Dr. Malcolm...

2010-03-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

Woof.

2010-03-30T12:25:00.001-07:00

Will wants a dog.

Okay, that's not entirely true. Impulsive Will wants a dog.

Impulsive Will who should not have "1-click shopping" activated on Amazon.com wants a dog.

Impulsive Will who should plan driving routes that circumvent Pinkberry a month before swimsuit season wants a dog.

Reasonable Will...who hasn't been rearing his ugly head enough these days...recognizes that a dog is the last thing Will needs.

Nicely kept, moderately clean apartment with no backyard + A dog = Disaster

Nose clogging allergies to animal dander + A normal looking dog = Epic Disaster

The problem?

Runyon Canyon.

Every time I go hiking I see a whole parade of pooches that are just waiting. Waiting on what you might ask?

Waiting on my love and affection?

Nope.

Waiting on me to feed, bathe, and care for them?

Hardly.

These dogs are waiting on me to name them!

That's right, the only reason I want a dog is so that I can give it a kitschy name and send it out into the world a happier canine.

The last time I was at Runyon I watched a Scottish terrier named "Rocky" pick a fight with a miniature chihuahua the owner kept referring to as "Jedi." A dog named Rocky that picks fights...I dig that. Mad props to that owner. A dog named Jedi that's as puny and insignificant as Lucas's Star Wars prequels...even madder props to that owner (though I doubt that's what she was going for).

This instance is the exception to the rule. All the other "Spots" and "Fidos" I cross look miserable...and not just because their owners are making them hike uphill in 95 degree weather.

So, how did Reasonable Will curb Impulsive Will in this epic battle of Wills*?

I went to my neighborhood Humane Society's website and came up with new names for all the dogs represented.

If you've read this far, then you're probably interested in what I came up with. So, here are my top three:

DOOMSDAY

CHURRO

JEFFREY DAHMER**

Now let's see if Reasonable Will can beat Impulsive Will one more time by logging off of the Humane Society website and getting back to his expense reports.

*Please don't hate me.

**As a rule, I'm generally opposed to giving dogs last names. Dogs are wild, unrefined animals just like Ke$ha, and they should be christened as such. But how freakin' awesome would it be for me to chase that little rascal around Runyon Canyon while screaming, "Get back here, Jeffrey Dahmer! Drop that chicken bone right now!!"

"There is so much bad in this world."

2010-03-29T13:50:00.001-07:00

*Thank you, Nick. For everything. Including the headline.

The Overuse of ;)

2010-03-29T12:47:00.001-07:00

Hello, my name is Will, and I'm addicted to emoticons.

QUICK BACKGROUND: On a given workday, I have between four and twelve instant message chat screens running on my desktop. If my boss asks, they're all for work. In reality, maybe 25% of them are coworkers, but we're really just discussing the latest 'Scott Pilgrim vs. The World' trailer on Apple. Clearly, iChat is another addiction, but I'm not even close to dealing with it yet, so we'll just focus on the ":)" and ":D" and ";)" for now.

There it is... the "wink." The most notorious of my emoticons. The problem is, I don't always like to express what I'm REALLY thinking on instant messenger. Or, I want to soften a criticism by veiling it as a joke...or making it "flirty."

If I winked at somebody as many times in one conversation as I ";)" while chatting online or exchanging Facebook messages, I think I'd be offered a bottle of Clear Eyes.

So right here, right now, I'm putting it out into cyberspace that I will no longer (read: greatly reduce the number of times I...) use emoticons to fill an awkward void, respond to a comment without really responding to comment, or flirt without creativity.

Come to think of it, maybe this will curb my iChat addiction, too. ;)

I'm big in Japan

2010-03-26T15:48:00.001-07:00

So, a woman could've gestated and produced an infant in the time it's been since I last touched this blog. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about it entirely. Every couple of days I get a comment or two from some of my favorite readers...in Japan. I have no idea what they're saying, but most of them seem to be excited about my boss's announcement that he might make a sequel to Roger Rabbit in the near-ish future.

It's time for me to moderate my comments, but I don't necessarily know which of these to approve. Thoughts?

My Future Wedding Invitation

2009-06-02T12:04:00.000-07:00

@cherieistired finds the coolest dinosaur stuff.

"I'll be... fat?!"

2009-05-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Skynet seriously needs to rethink its plans. Why waste all those resources sending Terminators back in time to kill John Connor?!

They should be sending more donuts instead.

(I can't take full credit for this one...THANKS EDDY!!)

Right up my alley...

2009-05-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

Loved every second of this.

Proof that I am a "die hard nerd"

2009-05-07T18:33:00.001-07:00

Spider

2009-04-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

My boss forwarded this me. Just had to share it...

If anyone can find a hi-res version, I'll be your best friend!!

In case anyone asks, you didn't hear it from me...

2009-04-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

CHECK THIS OUT: The Photography of Jan Von Holleben

2009-04-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

My friend Justin recently tweeted a link to a photograph by Jan Von Holleben. I'd never heard of him, but I loved the image so much that I found his website.

I strongly suggest clicking through his work if you're ever in need of some inspiration.

ENJOY!!

Dan Ast Works at Best Buy

2009-04-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

Proof is in the pudding.

Name five things you liked about ADVENTURELAND. DING!!

2009-04-05T23:28:00.001-07:00

I've tried re-writing this post several times. Screw being eloquent. Here are my thoughts on ADVENTURELAND:

1. It's a giant homage to Noah Baumbach set in a late 80's, rundown theme park. If you loved The Squid and the Whale nearly as much as I did, I think it's safe to say you will enjoy Adventureland. If you also loved Kicking & Screaming (NOT the Will Ferrell soccer coach comedy; the good movie about recent college grads making sense of life), I'm almost positive you'll love Adventureland.

2. The trailer for Adventureland is a huge misrepresentation. Sure, it's a comedy from the director of Superbad. However, Adventureland is to Superbad what The Color Purple is to Jurassic Park. Both fall into the file of my favorite films, but we're comparing apples to oranges here. While I think the trailer is misleading, I do love the Violent Femmes song they play over the trailer...so, I guess that's something else to like.

3. The last time a movie had characters that were shaded this well, they were robots. Thank you, Greg Mottola, for remembering that people have layers. Perhaps people stopped having layers around the turn of the millenium. In which case... Thank you, Greg Mottola, for setting your movie in 1987.

4. While all of the characters are fun in a believable way (not just a "quirky, indie" way), Margarita Levieva's portrayal of Lisa P is brilliant. She brings depth the role of the desired hottie. Astounding.

5. I'm calling it early... Adventureland will be nominated for an Original Screenplay Oscar. Err, uh...at least a nomination for an Original Screenplay award from the Writer's Guild.

UCSD Admissions Office attempts Worst April Fools Joke EVER! (succeeds admirably)

2009-04-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

Let's give it up for the admissions office staff of UC San Diego! Local news sources reported that after rejecting 29,000 students earlier this month, the university accidentally sent out an email congratulating them all on their acceptance. Two hours later, the mistake was realized and an apology email was sent out, informing those 29,000 rejects that they were still not accepted.

Sad thing is, if I was one of those 29,000 rejects, I think I'd have to feel REALLY BAD about myself. I mean--damn--I didn't get into the university that has no idea how to send a simple email to the correct recipients!!

Here's a link to the original NBC news article.

I HATE YOU, CHRIS COLUMBUS...More 'Wild Things,' Please.

2009-03-27T00:25:00.001-07:00

This week saw the debut of two movie trailers I have been anxiously anticipating, based on two books that I totally love. Soo... Do you want the bad news or the good news first?

Seems bad news has been in copious supply these days, so I'll hit you with that...

I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER

Until I'm given some other reason to be excited about it, the film adaption of Larry Doyle's brilliant, side-splitting, heart touching novel (which is a great send-up of John Hughes' teen comedies) will be referred to as I Hate You, Chris Columbus. This trailer makes the film look so incredibly generic. The dude playing The Coove gets on my nerves. And while I originally thought Hayden Panettiere was an excellent choice for the titular character, the trailer makes her seem incredibly one dimensional (which, you'll find if you read the book, is the exact opposite of Beth Cooper).

I know it sounds like I'm reviewing an entire movie based on 2 minutes of material, but isn't that what trailers are for these days?

Now, on to happier news...

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

All I can say is I was blown away by this trailer. After the original stories of all the reshoots, and constant delays, I was really worried that this movie was going to be a disaster. This trailer won me over, 100%. It looks fun and emotional. Incredibly endearing. The Wild Things look awesome. Max looks like a perfect casting choice. Oh, and the music! I believe the music makes this feel like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for all ages. Spike Jonze (it seems) has taken genius source material in Maurice Sendak's picture book and given it wings.

I know it's a just trailer. But, I have to admit that this is the first trailer for a movie this year that has me geniunely excited.* I guess I have to wait through the humdrum summer months before finding out if Where the Wild Things Are lives up to my initial excitement.

*I will admit that the most recent Star Trek trailers are growing on me. And, it almost goes without saying, but the new Pixar movie will probably be pretty good.

I gotta hand it to you DETAILS Magazine...

2009-03-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

...you just made my week.

When I turned 26 (last November, for those of you who aren't yet friends with me on Facebook), I got a little depressed. All of a sudden it dawned me that I was no longer eligible to be photographed in one of People Magazine's "25 Most Influential People Under 25." Vain? Yes. Shallow? Incredibly. However, I still felt down in the dumps. The fact that I would no longer have an opportunity to be folded into a magazine sandwiched somewhere between Rihanna and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (that's McLovin for those of you who don't actually know his name) kinda wore on me.

I attribute twenty-five percent of this depression to what I'd like to call "big fish in a small pond syndrome." I grew up in a small town. It was pretty easy to get your name in the Caloosa Belle (look, it's online now...sorta) for just about anything. That kind of atmosphere makes people (like myself) think that they are special. Such is not the case.

The other seventy-five percent of this depression I attribute to Steven Spielberg. That's right, my dinosaur reanimating idol is the reason I was so fucking depressed. That guy directed his first episode of Night Gallery at the tender young age of 23. Twenty-fucking-three!! Wanna know how old he was when he completed his first movie, Duel? Twenty-five!! When I turned 26, I briefly felt like my career was over. I know that's stupid, but I'm just being honest with myself here.

Everyone else who is currently reading this while sitting at their desks, rolling calls, planning meetings, and ordering freshly roasted, sliced turkey sandwiches on whole grain, whole wheat with lettuce, light mayo, and a sliver of pickle for a boss who will wash it all down with a Diet Coke and some blow has no right to roll their eyes and mutter the word "douchebag" while reading my innermost confessions. You know you've all thought it, too.

Well, I offer you hope...

DETAILS Magazine recently rolled out another one of their "Mavericks Issues." Surprisingly, our favorite "mavericks" from last year are not featured. The folks who are featured (THANK GOD!!) are all in their thirties. That's right my late-twenty-something friends, unless you aspire to be the next T-Pain (24), you have Dustin Lance Black (34), Demitri Martin (35), Seth MacFarlane (35), The Lonely Island guys (Andy 30, Akiva 31, Jorma 32), and the creators of Twitter (collective average: 34) to hold up as the new standard. Sure, Spielberg finished Jaws before he was thirty, but that was in the 70's...when bell bottoms were considered a good idea. Studios could give money to a twenty-five year old nerd and see what kind of movie he'd turn out because movies didn't cost $175 million to make back then!

On a side note, I also realized that DETAILS Magazine is basically training wheels for "straight" guys to come out of the closet and admit they are gay. Sure, A-Rod's on the cover which promises some great articles about sports. But, on the inside you have him shirtless kissing a mirror (just think about the image for a second), an artical on identical twin gay porn stars, and an essay by Augusten Burroughs. Just a few more naughty cologne ads and you might as well change your subscription over to DNA Magazine.

Platinum Dunes Gets "Stupid"

2009-03-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

Halloween is about to get a little stupid.

Hot off the success of their Friday the 13th reboot, Platinum Dunes recently snapped up the rights to yet another horror classic. Partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form have been set by Touchstone to create a new franchise based on the 1991 film Ernest Scared Stupid.

Commercial director PES has been tapped to helm project about lovable dunce Ernest P. Worrell (made famous by the late Jim Varney) who mistakenly awakens an ancient evil and must save his town's children from a soul sucking troll named Trantor. No casting choices have been made yet, but rumors have placed Chace Crawford and Drake Bell on a short list to put on the denim vest.

"We aren't creating a literal adaptation," Fuller commented,"We're mostly concerned with preserving the iconography, while giving the franchise a complete face lift."

Production is slated for late-Spring 2012, with a Halloween release date.

Dunes currently has projects slated through 2013, including reboots of A Nightmare on Elm Street, Rosemary's Baby, and The Birds.

PES is repped by Czar in the US and Independent in the UK.

When asked what drew Platinum Dunes to the project, Form replied, "Well, we'd optioned everything else available. Why the fuck not?"

Will Sherrod Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space!!!

2009-02-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, I just found the most brilliant online comic book. Megan Rose Gedric's throwback to the pulpy comics of the 50's entitled I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates From Outer Space!!! is campy, hilarious fun.

I've only read the first two issues, but I couldn't keep myself from jumping on my blog and sharing it with everyone.

I'll give you a quick rundown...

The story follows Susan Bell, a secretary in what I gather is a 50's era America. She is...YOU GUESSED IT...kidnapped by a gang of lesbians who take her up to their intergalactic space ship.

I think the thing I enjoy the most is the campy humor. In fact, as a little enticement, I'll give you the moment where I knew I was falling in love with these lesbians:If you think that's funny, there's plenty more where it came from. Just hop on over to the website. I'll even make it easy for you and provide the link a second time so you don't have to scroll all the way up.

My only hope is that one day this gets made into a movie. I'd much rather see I Was Kidnapped By Lesbian Pirates From Outer Space!!! than Spider-Man 4.

At least he's willing to confess it in an open forum...

2009-02-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

Pictures from Dan's first New Orleans "king cake" experience:

Story of my life...

2009-02-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

Hollywood ASST from Back of the Class on Vimeo.

Dan Ast vs. Octo-Mom: The Fight of the Century

2009-02-18T11:37:00.001-08:00

That's right folks. As gross it may sound, I caught Dan Ast trying to woo Nadya Suleman. I can only imagine what he and his followers plan to do with her precious little brood of infants...

Those are horrors that I choose not to meditate on. Thankfully, someone else has already chosen to meditate on them for me.

As I was clicking through pictures of the crazy, Jolie-lipped mother of 14, I was reminded of one of my favorite horror flicks from the late 70's. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a big, BIG fan of David Cronenberg. Scanners is a true classic. Videodrome is prophecy, especially with today's media. And A History of Violence is brilliant storytelling. However, the movie that sprang to my mind as I considered the recent hoopla over the birth of these hormonally implanted octuplets was 1979's The Brood.

For me to even begin to explain the plot to you would be a disservice. Please don't wait around for them to ~~bastardize~~ remake this movie (I've heard it's in the works...along with Scanners...CURSE YOU MICHAEL BAY AND ALL THAT YOU STAND FOR!!!). See the original. Add it to your Netflix queue pronto.

Without giving too much away, I'll attempt to entice you into watching this movie...

And if you need any more incentive...

Chris Brown...any relation to Bobby?!?!

2009-02-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

We here at Chill With Will are often guilty of being a little crass and making light of certain subjects that are (quite frankly) downright horrendous. Racism, baby eating, and Tyler Perry movies are all free game when it comes to the jokes and sarcastic comments that grace the pages of this here blog. However, this past weekend, a certain subject was broached in the media that demands the must utmost care and respectful commentary...

YOU DO NOT FREAKIN' TOUCH RIHANNA!!!

You hear me Chris Brown?!?! It's punks like you that give the hip-hop/R&B/rap community a bad name. I don't care that you share a last name with one of the biggest woman abusers in recent musical history. Sure...you and your drop-dead-gorgeous (may I now add undeserved?) girlfriend had just left a pre-Grammy party where Whitney Houston made her alleged "comeback" performance. That doesn't give you any excuse to lay out another violent example of how the "behind the music" stories of the recording industry are nothing but a collected string of Shakespearean ironies.

I really hope that all the media reports are blown out of proportion... What kind of scum gives his girlfriend welts on her forehead and bites her fingers?!?!

You even forced her to cancel her 21st birthday party. You prick!

If the media reports are even partially true...please don't think about crawling back to her. Just tuck your tail between your legs and sink back into obscurity. I'm sure there's a whole crowd of teenybopper fans ready to go disturbia on your ass. They will be breakin' all of your dishes and you will know what it's like to try to breathe with no air.

Disney & DreamWorks sittin' in a tree...

2009-02-09T17:52:00.000-08:00

It's official, folks. DreamWorks just couldn't make it work out with Universal and now they're heading over to the Mouse House. Of course, DreamWorks Animation will remain its own entity (and continue to pump out awful sequels to their most wretched movies).

At this point, I think Dreamworks is basically like the really slutty girl in high school who got loads of action but never found love. Let's hope this time it's a match made in heaven.

This brings back memories of those nasty 2005 rumors about Spielberg directing a version of Mary Poppins based on the stage musical based on, well, Mary Poppins. Don't believe me?

I seriously doubt that would ever happen...but after five Saw movies and one more on the way this October, I've learned my lesson in saying "never."

In the meantime, I'm open to taking bets on how long it'll be before Spielberg and Co. is looking for a new production deal.

My money's on 2 years before a quick jump to Sony. If that fails, they're pretty much left with Lionsgate. I'm sure America would flip to see a Steven Spielberg/Tyler Perry co-project. Come to think of it, Tyler Perry does have that nice new studio in Atlanta. And can you imagine Mr. Perry himself stepping behind the camera to lense a version of The Color Purple based on the stage musical based on Spielberg's THE COLOR PURPLE?!?!

My only hope is that Tyler Perry also dons his customary drag to play Sofia.

But, then again, everyone knows you don't mess with Oprah!!

2008: My Year End Top Ten Movies

2009-02-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

Every year I make up a list of my ten favorite movies. I know it's kind of narcissistic to think anyone would care about the movies I enjoyed. However, it helps me process my thoughts on what I find to be good filmmaking versus wretched filmmaking (which applies to most movies I saw this year).

When I was in high school, I found a way to absolutely love every single movie I saw. That was a problem. Ever since I started working in Hollywood, I've found that being more discerning in what I choose to give the "Will Sherrod Brand of Approval" is more important than trying to feel like I got something out of the $12.oo I spent on, say, Mamma Mia! (Sorry Mom! I thoroughly enjoyed going to the movies and watching it with you. I just didn't really love the movie itself.)

Before we kick this off...2008 was a bit of a rough year for me. Okay, let's be honest, can anyone REALLY say that 2008 was a great year? I'm gonna warn you that I tended to connect with much bleaker films than in years past. Granted I dind't put Blindness on here (one of the bleakest films I've ever seen); but let's just say that out of the two comic book movies I went back and forth over including on my list, I chose The Dark Knight over Iron Man because I feel like it was the most grim option of the two movies and a better representation of 2008 as a whole.

Without further adieu... here's my list:

#10. The Dark Knight

Now that we're in the middle of a recession, I think my favorite scene is the one where the Joker burns an entire pile of money with a businessman on top. Granted, I still think the movie suffers from a weak third act. Personally, I find the scene with the two ferries to be a little hokey. Also, the Joker's plot is just a little too perfectly conceived. But, even with all its failures and minor annoyances, The Dark Knight features one of the best magic tricks I've ever seen...

"I'm gonna make this pencil disappear."

#9. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This is a film that I think will grow on me in years to come. Most of David Fincher's movies get better and better upon repeat viewing (especially Zodiac). While this is his most mainstream film since Panic Room, it also grapples with some pretty big themes. Watching life in reverse really does bring a little more clarity to the dying process.

Also, the special effects used to make Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett look younger were incredible.

#8. Slumdog Millionaire

Surprise! I didn't say ALL my picks were totally bleak...just most of them. Slumdog Millionaire is a beautiful movie that has a strong pulse. Danny Boyle's unique camera moves mixed with some wild editing make the slums (and cities) of India come to vivid life on the big screen. I'm gonna go out on a (very sturdy) limb and say that is gonna win Best Picture this year. And, to be totally honest, I think it's deserved.

Any movie that ends with an enormous dance sequence (other than Mamma Mia!) deserves a little extra credit.

#7. Revolutionary Road

Nobody handles American suburban angst quite like British director Sam Mendes. However, you'll find none of the humor from American Beauty in this draining film about a failing marriage. One thing that I love about this movie is hearing different people's reactions to whether Frank or April Wheeler is right. Even if somebody says that they're both clearly in the wrong, you can always tell that they side with one of the characters.

Spoiler: My favorite scene is the second to last scene. Shep Campbell asks his wife Milly if they can agree to never talk about the Wheelers again...moments before sinking back into their idyllic suburan home.

#6. Milk

I saw Milk a few weeks after the state of California banned same-sex marriage. As a biopic, I felt like it was rather paint-by-numbers. However, as a glimpse at a movement in the 70's, it's inspiring. It certainly was not made to sway the minds of people who would vote "yes" on a proposition that takes rights away from homosexuals. Instead, I think it was made for people who would proudly vote "no" but need to actually let their voices be heard BEFORE the votes are tallied...rather than after. It's sad that they could beat something like Prop 6 (firing teachers and school board officials because of their sexual orientation) in 1978, but something like Prop 8 wins thirty years later.

Additionally, this movie had some stellar performances from some of the best actors working today.

#5. Son of Rambow

Son of Rambow is the movie that left me feeling the happiest and most nostalgic for the days when I'd sit in my front yard with an enormous video camera and a bunch of dinosaur toys reenacting scenes from Jurassic Park. It reminded me that, while the road is never easy, the privilege of making movies is one that I should never take for granted.

Side note for all you Gossip Girl fans...Ed Westwick (you know him as Chuck Bass) plays the devious older brother to the film's hero. This wasn't exactly a selling point for me, but if it gets more people to add a great (underrated) movie to their Netflix queue, then I'm all about hyping the star power.

#4. The Reader

A friend of mine complained that the characters in The Reader were a bit too "morally ambiguous." I have to admit, the biggest draw for me was the fact that I'd start out loving a character and routing for him/her to succeed, only to find myself loathing them and their stomach-churning decisions a few moments later. The characters just felt real to me. I haven't reacted to characters' decisions that passionately in a long time.

Also, the moral dilemma in the film is one that stayed with me for a couple days. That's another reaction I haven't had to a film in a long time.

#3. The Signal

It wouldn't be a Will Sherrod List of Favorite Movies without at least one horror flick. I was a little nervous that I wouldn't have one to include this year. Most of the horror films (I'm looking at you, The Strangers) I saw were terrible. Un-scary. Un-funny. Just grotesque...which doesn't do anything for me anymore. Luckily, I caught this just a few weeks before thinking about this list. The Signal is a brilliant blend of action and bizarre comedy. It's very gory, but in a 1980's fun house kind of way. Like any good horror film, it contains veiled social commentary...always a plus in my book.

Side note: The Signal cost less than $500,000 to make. In my opinion, it looks better and more cinematic than a lot of the $40 million films I saw this year (eyes over here, Baby Mama).

#2. Der Baader Meinhof Komplex (The Baader Meinhof Complex)

I know what you're thinking. I can hear you saying..."Will's trying to be all 'artsy' and put a foreign film that's nominated for an Oscar near the top of the list." Well, let me just tell you that with car explosions, plane hijackings, bank robberies, and point-blank executions, this is not Farewell, My Concubine. Uli Edel's brilliant look at the inner workings of the band of young political dissidents who eventually formed Germany's Red Army Faction is harrowing. The movie dares to put you in the shoes of the terrorists. It tries to make you understand why they're doing what they're doing. It clearly shows how misguided passion can send anyone barreling down a collision course of insufferable cruelty. Writer/Director Edel grew up in Germany and followed the writings of journalist Ulrike Meinhof as she suddenly went from being an observer to an instigator of many politcally motivated, heinous crimes. This is a project that is more than twenty years in the making. It is powerful and riveting.

Special Note: Just so you understand how much care went into the making of the film... the director claims that all of the dialogue is reconstructed from journals, tape recordings, and first hand accounts. There are more than 130 speaking parts because he hated the idea of combining multiple real life witnesses into single "representative" characters. That kind of attention to detail is NOT something to scoff at.

#1. WALL-E

I prefer the grown-up Pixar movies (The Incredibles, Ratatouille) to their more juvenile offerings (Finding Nemo, Cars). This film is in a league of its own.

MOVIE THAT SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.

TOTALLY BADASS EXTRAVAGANZA: Trick 'R Treat

I was tempted to call this an "Honorable Mention" but decided against the term because that implies that's it's not quite as good as the other films on the list. Truth be told, I caught this movie at its premiere at ScreamFest in Los Angeles. If you notice the original release date at the top of the poster, you'll realize that this film has now missed two chances at a wide release. I feel like even more of an elitist putting a movie on my list that's not possible for anyone else to see. So, I'm just telling you that whenever Warner Bros gets around to firing their current executives in charge of theatrical distribution (highly likely the way studios are laying off people these days) and puts in some "fresh blood" that will take a chance on releasing a non-remake, non-sequel, non-sequel-remake, non-PG-13-fluff, non-torture-porn, (please read, ORIGINAL) horror film...TRICK 'R TREAT will be on the top of my list. The movie is gory. The movie is hilarious. The movie is one of the rare examples of a multiple-character, alternating story arc film that I actually enjoyed. Most of all, it just feels original (I can't say that word enough, it seems). Fresh. And since I'm a firm believer that the road most traveled (i.e., Friday the 13th, Saw I-V, any PG-13 Japanese horror remake) is less creepy than setting out on a new trail...I'm gonna give Trick 'R Treat my thumbs up as the best horror film since Slither.

Baby Noshing vs. Puppy Chowing

2009-02-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

So now we've all seen the footage Mr. Dan Ast leaked of me chewing up and swallowing an adorable little puppy. All right, I admit it. I'm coming out of the closet. I EAT PUPPIES!!

But you wanna know what? I'm not alone. This shouldn't come as a surprise to you, but... World Class Olympian Michael Phelps ALSO eats puppies.

Don't believe me?!?! You are so naive.

First off, it is not possible for anyone to spend three weeks in Beijing and NOT eat at least one puppy. I know it. Joan Rivers knows it. You know it. So let's not play dumb.

Second, puppies are high in calories. After swimming a thousand laps in an Olympic size pool, there's nothing quite like a cheesy omelet loaded with bits of dachshund to get your energy back up.

*Pictured above: Michael Phelps builds up an appetite before gorging on a kennel full of cocker spaniels. (Photo courtesy News of the World)

So there! I'm proud to announce to the world that I EAT PUPPIES!! It means I'm in the same club as Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps.

However...

What sort of company does Dan "Baby Eater" Ast keep?

*Pictured above: Serial killer John Wayne Gacy and Dan Ast making a house call. (Photo courtesy Getty Images)

Serial killer John Wayne Gacy eats babies. Dan Ast eats babies.

If my stomach weren't churning so much right now, I'd go finish the labradoodle burrito I started for dinner last night.

An Important Message Regarding Social Anarchist Dan Ast

2009-02-04T11:45:00.000-08:00

You saw it here first, folks.

A Very Special Thank You to My Dear Friend Dan...

2009-02-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems I greatly overestimated my foe. This past weekend, my buddy Dan started a counter-blog in an attempt to steal my readers and prove that I do not come close to being TOTALLY BADASS.

I'll admit. At first I was a little worried. I saw his photoshopping skills were up to par. He managed to make this little number earlier this morning...

Clearly, my badassery was being challenged. His attacks took on the form of one of John McCain's political smear ads. Using the compare and contrast methods, he made the following attempt at proving his badassery over mine:

I don't know about you. But my woman seems to be having a lot more fun than Dan's.

This is true. This is EXACTLY how I treat my friends...when they show up to a Halloween party out of costume. Lack of a badass Halloween costume results in a seriously badass ass-kicking. It was for his own good. He'll never show up out of costume again!!Hmm...a tiny little kitten or a 10 foot alligator? I don't even need to tell you which is more badass.

He merely proves my point. I am one totally badass individual. I just can't help it. Out of the 296 photos I have been tagged in on Facebook, Dan was only able to find the above examples for a "lack" of badassness. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Wanna know what I found in his photos?!?!

Here's what you get when you choose to Chill With Dan Instead:

Looks like somebody should turn around and CHILL WITH WILL:

Super Bowl Trailer Round-up

2009-02-02T19:31:00.001-08:00

All right. I have to make this quick so I can get back to my feud with Dan. I don't want to forget my other interests while engaging in this epic battle for the blogosphere. Besides, if I'm able to maintain a strong offensive against this identity thief whilst continuing to post my usual quips on the state of the world, I will clearly be the better (and, certainly more original) blogger.

I'm not a fan of the Cardinals or the Steelers. And since it's my personal belief that the only badass way to enjoy a sporting event is to be there, in the flesh, screaming your lungs out, I didn't watch the Super Bowl. That's why God made YouTube...so that I could see all the awesome commercials the next day.

Here's a quick round-up of my thoughts on the Super Bowl movie trailers...

Land of the Lost

Everyone knows my favorite movie of all-time is Jurassic Park. What you may not know, is that one of my least favorite movies is The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Why? Because I hate that they took the velociraptors (one of the most badass cinematic creations of all time) and turned them into pussies. The raptors can be defeated by Jeff Goldblum's twelve year gymnast daughter?!?! Gimme a break!

Making dinosaurs stupid and easily defeatable is one of my biggest pet peeves in movies. If the T-Rex doesn't bite Will Ferrell's head off, I'm walking out of the theater.

Angels & Demons

In the trailer for the prequel to The Da Vinci Code, I am most impressed by how much younger Tom Hanks looks in this movie compared to how he looked in Ron Howard's last blasphemous exercise in butt-numbing boredom.

Hmm...I guess a decent haircut actually goes a long way.

Monsters vs. Aliens

A butt joke, a poop joke, and a parody of a Ryan Seacrest catchphrase...all contained in the same 90 second trailer. Awesome job, Dreamworks! After Kung Fu Panda I actually had hope that you'd start making less juvenile animated films that rely on pop culture references to get half-hearted laughs. I'm glad to see the bar is being lowered beyond anything Shrek the Third could've ever accomplished.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

The Eiffel Tower is disintegrated. Some guys run around and jump away from various modes of transportation in various states of explosion. I've watched the trailer three times trying to figure out what the story is. I guess, based solely on the title, this is an origins story for the creation of the band of miscreants who follow Cobra Commander?? Your guess is as good mine.

Star Trek

Remember that history making episode of Star Trek in which Capt Kirk kissed Lt. Uhura...the first time interracial sensuality had ever been aired on television? Well, according to J.J. Abrams there was a lot more than just kissing going on behind closed doors on the Enterprise. I wonder what the censors in the 60's would've thought of that...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Oops...I guess I posted the wrong picture. Here's the big scary villain in the new Transformers movie:Yawn.

To watch these trailers (and a few more) you can go here.

My Arch Nemesis

2009-02-01T21:46:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't blogged in a couple weeks. I know, I know... I went from being TOTALLY BADASS to TOTALLY LAME-ASS in just a matter of days. However, I assure you that it was for good reason. I went to New York somewhat spontaneously (badass). I've been working on my screenplays, slowly but surely (also, badass). I've been catching up on almost every movie that's been nominated for an Oscar (Frozen River = badass indie; Frost/Nixon = not so badass). In the midst of all the excitement...I haven't been keeping up with my blog.

Excuses...excuses...

But before I start updating you on the past few weeks, let me pause a moment to introduce you to a dude I met in film school...Mr. Dan Ast.

You can read his new blog here.

That's right. Dan's new blog is called "Chill with Dan Instead." Apparently, I don't blog often enough for some of my most devoted fans. And, Dan has taken it upon himself to fill whatever void I have left in the blogosphere.

This means war.

To paraphrase the words of my good friend President Thomas Whitmore, "I will not go quietly into the night! I will not perish without a fight! I will blog on! I will survive! Today, I celebrate..." Okay, it stops being relevant at that point.

Long story short. I'm back. Even if it means little quips and fewer pictures...possibly a few grammatical errors (gasp!)...I will try my damnedest not to let down the blogosphere.

On a side note...I'd like to point out that Dan currently lives in the bedroom that I formerly inhabited when I was residing in a townhouse full of FSU Film School alum in Los Angeles. It seems he has already physically replaced me in many regards; now he's trying to steal my online identity. I need to call my pal Angela Bennett and see if she has any tips for dealing with problems of this nature.

Which retro celebrity will be hip again in 2009?

2009-01-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

William Shatner, David Hasselhoff, Chuck Norris.

Icons from yesteryear have made a comeback in the new millenium. Do a YouTube search for any of the above and you'll see what I mean. Better yet, just scroll through a few Facebook flair boards and count the number of Chuck Norris references.

So, since I'm still looking at 2009 and trying to figure out where this year is going to take me, I'd like to pause a moment and make a few predictions about the direction in which pop culture is headed. Namely...retro celebrity reemergence pop culture.

In 2009, pop culture will (or, in my humble opinion, SHOULD) be all about LEVAR BURTON.

That's right folks, Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge...and your host for Reading Rainbow.

I cite the emergence of warring identities @LeVarB and @levarburton on Twitter (combined, they have over 10,000 followers) as proof of LeVar Burton nearing his pop cultural tipping point.

YouTube videos, 'Nip/Tuck' guest appearances, a spot on 'Dancing With The Stars'... LeVar, I'm counting on you buddy. Let's have your agent make this stuff happen, pronto!!

So, what are your thoughts? Which retro pop culture celebrity do YOU think should be "rediscovered" in 2009?

The Great Puppet Search and Racist Amazon.com

2009-01-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

I was recently invited to a "musical theater party." My friends are dressing up, selecting songs, and performing their takes on classic musicals for the group. Actually, if you're one of the invites to said party, you may want to stop reading as I'm about to spoil a few surprises I have in store...

I decided that rather than wearing tights (Chicago), a fat suit (Hairspray), or an APLA T-Shirt (Rent), I would go online, buy a puppet, and perform a few numbers from AVENUE Q. The play is hilarious, and instead of singing cheesy songs like "Seasons of Love" or "Elephant Love Medley" (from Moulin Rouge!), I'd get to wow my friends with tracks like "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist," "Schadenfreude," and "The Internet is For Porn."

Well, I started my Internet search, and it turns out the Avenue Q song is correct...everyone really IS a little bit racist. And by everyone, I mean Amazon.com. Here's what I got when I typed the word "puppet" into a search by relevance.

#1. Result - Caucasian Family Puppet Set
Price: $35.00
Look at the smiling faces of this beautiful family. Mr. and Mrs. Whitey so happy with their kids Billy and Sally. Clearly Mrs. Whitey brings more to the table in this marriage, as her genes obviously spring from a higher level of the Aryan Nation than his. Poor Billy wasn't lucky enough to inherit Mrs. Whitey's genes, and will probably grow up to obtain a mid-level, white collar job on Wall Street. When the next great stock market crash occurs, you'll find poor Billy hanging from a noose in his garage. But Sally...dear sweet Sally...the world is her oyster.

#76. Result - Asian Family Puppet Set
Price: $30.95
A full four pages later (keep in mind, this a search by RELEVANCE), we meet our next smiling puppet family. If the Whitey's were the most relevant search option in the Toys and Games section, then the Yings aren't quite as lucky. Apparently a young boy molesting an owl (#37), a dragon (#50), and a cock (#54) were all more relevant than Mr. and Mrs. Ying, Jet, and Sayuri. I suspect that Jet and Sayuri scored much higher on their SAT's than Billy and Sally Whitey. This is probably what moved them up in relevance. Higher than...

#79. Result - African American Family Puppet Set
Price: $29.99
Ringing in at $29.99, the King family is the cheapest puppet family on Amazon.com. I'm just happy that they come dressed in their Sunday morning service/Saturday evening trip to a Tyler Perry movie apparrel, instead of their usual weekday wear of Salvatin Army handouts and burlap sacks. Mr. and Mrs. King work a combined five jobs (three of which are in jeopardy thanks to the current economic climate) to put food in the hungry little bellies of Leroy and Shontelle. Please pray for the King family...they need our support. But obviously not as much as...

#94. Result - Hispanic Family Puppet Set
Price: $30.95
I got tired of scrolling through pages looking for the Goldsteins, the Patels, and the Chockotaws. My guess is they're somewhere near the back end of the 2,753 results. So we will stop here with the Gonzalez family. Mr. and Mrs. Gonzalez are legal U.S. citizens and proud of it. They are working hard to instill in little Javier and Gabriella a sense of true American pride. And, isn't that the beauty of the American dream? If you continue to work hard and show your patriotism, one day you too maybe be able to climb up the ladder of the social ranking system, and eventually be recognized on the first page of Amazon's glorious search results.

Special Note: In proofreading this blog, I realize that Amazon.com did me a great service today. Based on some of my own preconceptions, I have merely furthered a closed minded way of thinking about race relations in America by what I have written. That's why I have decided to invite the Gonzalez family to come live with me. Hopefully they will be able to teach me more about myself, and the world around me. If anything, it will make for an interesting reality television show pitch...

THANK YOU,

Car Explosion Behind My Apartment!!

2009-01-09T21:27:00.000-08:00

No kidding!!

GAME TIME!!! Let's Guess the Trailer...

2009-01-08T19:40:00.000-08:00

As we all know, the key to a GREAT action movie trailer (read...cliché action movie trailer) is a very intense sequence at the end of the trailer, usually set to techno music, in which a bunch of crazy images are thrown at the retinas of the viewer. They get your adrenaline pumping, and supposedly get you pumped up to see the movie. Movie geeks typically get off on examining every frame of these sequences to figure out stuff like... "Who plays the human/cyborg Christian Bale must face down in Terminator: Salvation?"

So, to honor those movie maniacs (and in an attempt to generate more comments on this here blog) I have devised a little game. I present to you... "LET'S GUESS THE TRAILER!!"

If you can tell me which big budget action movie I stole each of these screen grabs from, you'll win... uh... my respect. Which, for anyone who's seen Jurassic Park, means that a contest where respect is on the line typically ends in the loser getting a few hundred volts of electricity through their body. And you don't want that.

Let's get started.

TRAILER 1

TRAILER 2

TRAILER 3

TRAILER 4

BONUS ROUND!!!
(This grab isn't from an "action" movie per se.)

SPECIAL NOTE: All of these films are scheduled for release in Spring/Summer '09. If you need a little help, you can find every one of them at the Apple - Movie Trailers website. As of the time of this post, they are all in the first four pages on the main page.

HAPPY HUNTING!!!

Riding in the Pasture with Mom

2009-01-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

It was promised. Now here it is...

Please watch this in High Quality. I look better that way...which is important for my narcissistic ego.

BEST PICTURE 2008, or, If there were justice in the world and I handed out the Oscars...

2009-01-04T15:27:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This review contains adult language, strong violence and graphic nudity. Viewer discretion is advised. Kids DO NOT let your parents know you read this...

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about a little movie this year that kicked me in the nuts with its brilliance. If you have an ounce of cinematic taste in your bones, you already know what I'm talking about.

Pixar's WALL-E fucking rages up and down like an unholy terror on the big screen. Writing/Director Andrew Stanton (that's right, the guy who made sushi look cute) takes you on a brain-blowing sci-fi ride in a futuristic landscape that's bleaker than anything this side of Blade Runner. I'm about to recap everything you need to know about WALL-E. Some would call this a spoiler, but if you haven't seen WALL-E yet then you have no business reading a blog that's all about being totally badass. Clearly, you are not totally badass and you need to get back over to your fucking Netflix queue so you can bump Eagle Eye down a few notches and move WALL-E into the top spot. Amateur.

The titular character, WALL-E, is one tough son of a bitch. This mother fucker is the last robot left on earth after a bunch of lard-ass humans take to the skies and forget to turn him off. WALL-E is left to clean up all their shit, and this is where I first started to connect with the guy. I used to have to clean up after my roommates after a bunch of raging parties. Granted, I didn't have a trash compactor built into my stomach to squeeze down the bottles of booze, pizza boxes, and heroin needles that they left behind. I also, typically, had more than just one cockroach chasing me around, so I guess you could say I had it harder than WALL-E. Then again, I have an entire bookshelf full of totally badass DVD's, while WALL-E only has one busted-ass VHS copy of Hello, Dolly to entertain him. So, I guess I'll cut the little bastard some slack.

Anyway, WALL-E's doing his thing when this hot piece of robotic ass shows up. Her name is EVE, which is totally fitting because WALL-E's futuristic Garden of Eden is torn to fucking shreds the minute she shows up. See, EVE's just like any other ho. She's only after one thing. Sure she's all nice to WALL-E. She flirts with him; she leads him on. But, as soon as she gets her iPod-esque hands on his most prized possession (in this case, the last fucking plant on the entire planet), the bitch goes cold faster than Alan Cumming at the end of Goldeneye. Of course, WALL-E still has to take care of her even though he isn't getting any, because the son of a bitch is a real stand-up guy. And that's why he should be a role model to us all.

A spaceship shows up and blasts EVE back out into outer space with WALL-E's most prized possession, and that is when the little robot screams, "Fuck no! I ain't takin' any more of this!! (in so many beeps)." He jumps aboard the spaceship and goes on one hell of a ride into deep space.

Even I will admit the second half of the movie isn't nearly as good as the first half of the movie. WALL-E ends up on the ship with the lard-ass humans who all (including the women) sound just like the mailman from Cheers.

In the end, WALL-E saves the day. The lard-ass humans get to go back to earth where they are sure to fuck it up even worse the second time around. I'm okay with that, because that means there will probably be a sequel. Perhaps WALL-E merely lured the humans back to his post-apocalyptic wasteland so that the zombie army that only comes out at night (which we didn't see in the first half of the movie) will have years worth of fresh meat to feast upon. That's probably the only thing Andrew Stanton could've done for me to enjoy this cinematic life-changer any more.

My TOTALLY BADASS New Year's Resolution

2009-01-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

No, your eyes do not deceive you. That is a picture of a velociraptor wearing Joker make-up. And that, my friends, is my New Year's resolution. That's right, my slogan for this year is: "2009: TOTALLY BADASS."

I decided that 2008 was LAME-O!! I have determined that 2009 shall not be so.

And how!!

1. I will stay out till LAST CALL whenever possible. No more jetting early. In fact, I will plan on locating all underground, after-hours Japanese whiskey bars in the greater Los Angeles area, just so last call never has to end.

2. I will travel. Spontaneously. Hands down, my two best weekends of 2008 were spent in New York City (with my East Coast posse) and in San Francisco (with my good buddy Matt). This year, I plan on visiting Chicago and Seattle. I also want to spend a weekend in the woods (possibly Joshua Tree).

3. I will watch fewer movies, and more television. Mad Men, The Wire, Dexter, Battlestar Galactica, Weeds, Rome, Big Love, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... I have been missing out on the Second Golden Age of Television. And why? So I can sit through shitty movies like EAGLE EYE, VANTAGE POINT, and THE HAPPENING?!?! What is wrong with me? 2009 is the year I correct this mistake. The next time I'm tempted to go see a movie that I know will be mediocre, I'm buying another television series on iTunes. (FYI...I am already fiercely dedicated to 30 Rock and South Park, which is why they aren't listed above.)

4. I will WRITE. 2009 is the year that I finish writing all the screenplays I started in 2008. Red Hot White Trash: The Saga of Bethany the Crack Whore and Burn in Hell, Mark Moore!! will both be finished this year. I also plan to update this blog regularly. And (fingers crossed) launch another "memoirs" blog about my experiences as a homeschooler growing up in Southwest Florida.

5. I will be ready for the zombie apocalypse. I've heard it on good authority that 2009 is the year that the undead will strike back. While I fully trust Comrade Barrack Obama to have my back in the impending doom, I must be prepared to go it alone. You never know what can happen when the zombies attack. I will stock pile water, weapons, and extra copies of my totally badass screenplays in case the zombies need some good reading material.

I wish Clint Eastwood were my grandfather...or drinking buddy.

2008-12-31T00:17:00.000-08:00

I saw Clint Eastwood's new movie tonight. No, not the one where Angelina Jolie weeps for a shot at a Best Actress nomination, the other one where he's the star. A couple (okay, four) friends warned me that the movie only works because of Clint's performance, and the rest of the actors feel like they were cast out of a Lifetime television movie. For the most part, I agree.

However, you could've cast Clint opposite the cast of the new '90210,' Kirk Cameron, or The Wiggles and this movie still would've kicked ass. Basically, Clint's got two speeds...angry, and PISSED. One emotes a barrage of racial slurs, and the other simply causes him to growl. And boy, can that man growl.

Sitting in 'Gran Torino,' I kept wishing that Hollywood would stop trying to revive the wrong out of date franchises. Between Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Live Free or Die Hard, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (which I know we all felt the same way about), it's obvious the execs are trying to make money off of really, really bad ideas that cheapen the original product. What we need is Clint Eastwood directing himself as DIRTY FUCKIN' HARRY. In fact, I think Dirty Fuckin' Harry would be a totally fitting title for the film. It doesn't matter how bad the script is (he could be tracking aliens for all I care), Clint Eastwood will make the movie MESMERIZING. I guaran-fuckin-tee it. Just give the man something to growl at, and it will be phenomenal.

However, it looks like instead of Dirty Harry, we would rather waste our time giving Eddie Murphy (and the illustrious Bret Ratner) more unnecessary reels of celluloid. Sometimes this world can be a cruel, cruel place.

WEEKEND TO DO: Shop for a new "favorite pair" of denim khakis.

2008-12-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

If my boss asks why I was late this morning...

MySpace Presents DOUBT: REMIXED

2008-12-29T10:21:00.001-08:00

I don't log onto MySpace very much any more (I prefer Facebook...shh!! don't tell my friend Tom). But, every now and then I like to check in just to see what some of my trashier friends (the ones who still have yet to migrate to Facebook) are up to.

This morning, I was very excited to see that MySpace has gotten in on Oscar race promotions. For all those Academy members out there who weren't sure who they were going to be voting for when ballots are issued this month, MySpace has taken it upon themselves to promote a top notch film...DOUBT.

The funny thing is, MySpace isn't exactly known for promoting high quality movies in their (aptly titled) Trailer Park. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link and was treated to a very intense dramatic scene in which Sister James (Amy Adams) tries to convince Sister Aloysius (Meryl Streep) of Father Flynn's (Phillip Seymour Hofman) innocence regarding the rape of a young, African-American boy. The scene is powerful; and it was sandwiched between Hugh Jackman jumping over a helicopter (in the X-Men: Origins trailer) and Vin Diesel showing off some rock hard abs (in the Fast & Furious 4 trailer).

This got me wondering, how many MySpacers give a rat's ass about the movie Doubt? Answer: probably not many. But, that train of thought lead me to my next quandary... Since Hollywood is all about the "re-vamp" these days, what would pull the MySpace generation away from their Dell computers and into the cinema to watch a movie about Catholic drama?? Answer: Tila Tequila.

Here are a few scenes I've improvised for my pitch of DOUBT: REMIXED

INT. RECTORY - DAY

FATHER FLYNN (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) hands young DONALD MILLER (Joseph Foster) some communion wine. He approaches an old radio.

FATHER FLYNN
What do you say we lighten the
mood, Donald?

DONALD MILLER
Okay.

Father Flynn clicks on the radio. Katy Perry's I KISSED A GIRL blares out.

FATHER FLYNN
Hmm...Katy Perry. Have you heard
this song before, Donald?

DONALD MILLER
Yes, Father.

FATHER FLYNN
And what do you make of it?

DONALD MILLER
I'm not sure, Father. I've never
actually kissed a girl.

FATHER FLYNN
Really? Let's try something more our
speed then...

Father Flynn clicks the radio again. The Magnectic Fields' haunting song I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BOYFRIEND fills the room.

FATHER FLYNN
What do you say we crack open
that wine?

CUT TO:

INT. SISTER JAMES' CLASSROOM - SAME

SISTER JAMES (Tila Tequila) looks up from her chalkboard. A look of concern crosses her beautiful, heavily make-upped face.

SISTER JAMES
My spider sense is tingling...

INT. SISTER ALOYSIUS' OFFICE - MUCH LATER

SISTER JAMES (Tila Tequila) and SISTER ALOYSIUS (Meryl Streep) are engaged in a verbal debate.

SISTER JAMES

But I didn't see anything, Sister.
And my spider sense has been
wrong before.

SISTER ALOYSIUS
You just want things to go back to
the way they were, so you can
have simplicity again.

SISTER JAMES
No, Sister! You just don't like
Father Flynn because he doesn't
like the same music as you!
Well, I too happen to like Fall
Out Boy. And if you can't handle
that, then perhaps I'm not fit to
teach at this school.

Without warning, the light over Sister Aloysius' desk blows out. The room is now lit only by a single candle...mood lighting.

SISTER ALOYSIUS
What of that? You blew out
my light!

Sister James is overtaken by the moment. Years of pent up sexual frustration and confusion over her attraction to both Father Flynn and Sister Aloysius cause her beautiful, heavily make-upped face to blush.

SISTER JAMES
That's not all I want to blow,
Sister.

And with that, Sister James tears off her habit, revealing a Juicy Couture tank top, diamond pierced belly button, and Victoria's Secret thong.

There is a knock at the door. SISTER THOMAS (cameo by Jessica Alba) peeks her head in.

SISTER THOMAS
What's going on in here?

Sister James and Sister Aloysius are caught red handed.

SISTER THOMAS
Well, if you think I'm just going
to stand by while this happens,
then you will mistake me!!!

And with that, Sister Thomas enters the room and removes her skin-tight habit...

TILA TEQUILA

SISTER JAMES

ADVENTURES IN FLORIDA or, How Slow-Speed DSL Killed My Dreams of Catching Up On My Vlog

2008-12-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

I'm spending the holidays with my mom in the sunny "town" of Felda, FL. I have a week off from work, which I originally planned to use for updating my blog. I wanted to master the art of "vlogging" this week. HOWEVER...it seems the internet in Mom's house (which is literally sandwiched between orange trees and grazing beef cattle) is not up to snuff for uploading videos.
*Sigh* I guess I'll have to settle for posting pictures and providing written commentary. Maybe I can edit the vlogs so that they look GREAT and then upload them as a "New Years treat" when I get back to SoCal.

Here's a quick recap of my adventures, thus far:

Mom and I borrowed my Uncle Phil's "Gator" (a gas powered, "golf cart-esque" vehicle that can go out in the fields and handle all the bumps). We took a ride through the pasture. We "moo'ed" at my grandmother's beef cattle (in the soon to be posted video). Mom spotted some cranes and went nuts (she's kind of obsessed with birds...just wait till I post pictures of her holiday decorations). And we also saw this little guy...

I took some video of the alligator, but he doesn't really do anything cool. He doesn't eat a cow, or chase our vehicle (like the T-rex in Jurassic Park). Mom was worried when I was videoing because she said that alligators can "run as fast a horse." I told her this guy might need a little running start to get up to those speeds. Needless to say, her persistence won out, and I did not get to wrestle a gator (although that could have been fun).

So far, Florida has been a blast. I look forward to updating this with some more stories, pictures, and (eventually) videos. We've still got holiday family get togethers, Oscar-hyped movies, and the annual Tacky Sweater Fest on the horizon.

I just drew a fish!!!

2008-12-18T13:55:00.000-08:00

Do you like it???