Friday, May 20, 2011

Possibly my last blog post ever...

Today I was iChatting with my mom (who lives on the east coast). We were discussing everything from Chaz Bono on Oprah to whether or not Mom will enjoy the movie Bridesmaids*. We landed on the subject of the rapture possibly occurring tomorrow. Here's a snippet of our conversation:

Mom: she had breasts removed, but doesn't have a penis...
Mom: can you get a penis...
Mom: like from a donor?????

Will: i THINK they do penis tranpslants.
Will: but I've never looked into it.

Mom: maybe someone wanting to be a woman
Mom: ??

Will: now THAT is very doable.
Will: i've seen a documentary on it.
Will: oh, wait, you mean, like, switching?

Mom: What becoming a woman?

Will: yeah, i know that a man who wants to be a woman can have his penis removed

Mom: yeah
Mom: i think it would be easier to go that way

(Will disappears for a moment while he "likes" some Facebook statuses)

Will: i don't know if they can put it on a woman.
Will: i'll have to read up on this.
Will: what a strange world we live in.

Mom: I'd forgotten what we were talking about
Mom: before you paused for a bit
Mom: he...chaz...has an autobiography out now
Mom: i think i'll read (listen) to rob lowe's first

Will: haha...sorry for disappearing...i was reading your FB wall

Mom: don't be sorry
Mom: you can't be sorry...you're getting raptured tomorrow at 6pm
Mom: does that mean I'll be raptured 3 hours before you?

Will: probably
Will: try to hold a spot for me at the table with the rest of the family.
Will: i'll be the last Sherrod to show up.

Mom: Dad will be waiting for us.
Mom: he'll have our seats picked out.

Will: it'll be a record
Will: first time that he's ever the first to show up to something!

Mom: LOL!!!!!
Mom: you're going to make me wet my pants!

***

If we are raptured tomorrow, it'll be great to see you again Daddy-O. The girls and I have missed you...even though we still joke about your lack of punctuality. In the likely event that we're NOT raptured, I'd like to say that I'm grateful to be stuck here on earth with the best family and friends a guy could possibly have.


*YES, she will love Bridesmaids.

Monday, May 9, 2011

When Doves Cry...

On Saturday, I made the trek all the way out to The Forum in Inglewood with fifteen friends to see Prince perform. Here are the two pictures I managed to snap with my camera phone.*


It may not be a "little red Corvette," but that van fit sixteen crazy concert-goers. You'd think we were going to pull an "inception" on Prince.

Drinking Four Loko is enough to make the doves cry.


*When traveling to Inglewood, it's important to keep all belongings on your person at all times. I will miss you, Panasonic Digital Camera. We captured some AMAZING times together.

OH! And my friend snapped this photo, which I spiced up in Photoshop:

Nice work, Pocket. Way to give us all a story to remember!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Tribute to Jenna Maroney


Dear Jane Krakowski (and the underhumans known as "writers" on 30 Rock),

Whenever I have copious amounts of downtime and get bored at work, you brighten day via Hulu. On days when my boss is in the office (read: today), I can't make it obvious that I'm just sitting on my ass watching sitcoms. You specifically, Ms. Krakowski, make this tough. I'm excellent at hiding a video screen whenever someone walks past my desk. However, I'm not so good at stifling the laughter from your perfect delivery of some of the funniest lines on television. Since I'm trying to "look busy" today--and I'm completely caught up on the current seasons of
30 Rock, Modern Family, and Raising Hope--I'm taking a moment to list the top 15 quotes that have produced the loudest, longest laughs from your's truly in the first five seasons of 30 Rock.

Sincerely,

Will

15. "Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's Apple."

14. "And no making fun of me for using outdated pop culture references. Are we cowabunga on this?"

13. "If I wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again."

12. "Oh, I've taken action. It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing."

11. "Dr. Drew called me un-fixable."

10. "There are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian sex party."

9. "Drama is gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes."

8. "I swear to Kabbalah monster, those jeans are perfect. Look at your butt."

7. "This is the defining thing of my life. It's not gonna be that hit-and-run!"

6. "Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong."

5. "Could a bad mom have raised a daughter who was engaged to a Congressman when she was 16?"

4. "Listen up, Fives! A TEN is speaking!!"

3. "Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one; it's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me."

2. "Last night was a disaster...and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit."

And the quote that I will NEVER forget, from the Jackie Jormp-Jomp storyline in which Jack Donaghey suggests Jenna fake her death to gain attention for the biopic she starred in "loosely implied by" the life of Janis Joplin...

1. "Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It's been over two weeks since I saw SCRE4M...


...and aside from the fairly clever opening, the only memorable element of the movie is Hayden Panettiere's sassy haircut.



Holy shit! A Culkin was in the movie?!

Monday, May 2, 2011

What I Felt

I was sitting on my couch watching a horror movie with a few friends when the announcement was made. When the movie ended and I was in my room changing into pants to go out for dinner, my buddy said, "Hey Will. Hop online. I just got an email that says Osama bin Laden is dead."

I hopped over to my iMac and, sure enough, Google News was bursting with headlines marking bin Laden's death.

The video stream on CNN.com wasn't loading fast enough so I clicked over to my number one source of news coverage: Facebook. My News Feed was hemorrhaging with status updates of all varieties voicing the same resounding message...Osama bin Laden is dead.

They ranged from the humorous: "And in a final act of terrorism, Osama bin Laden has to go and screw up my date night." To the lyrical: "Obama said Osama's dead. Say that five times fast." To the inspirational: "It's amazing how the morale and general attitude of everyone here in Afghanistan has improved so vastly in a matter of minutes." To the sentimental: "America. Fuck yeah!"

My favorite update came from my brother-in-law: "Well, I guess Toby Keith will finally have something new to sing about."

Not wanting to be left out, I typed in the first thing that came to mind... "Does this mean Sarah Palin's not getting elected in 2012?" I posted it and went off to dinner.

About five minutes into the walk to the restaurant, I started getting nervous. My Facebook friends are pretty evenly split between a bunch of Bible-totin', Republican-votin', salt-of-the-Earth kind of people back in Southwest Florida, and a large brigade of liberal homosexuals in Los Angeles. I can't think of a time that I posted a politically-charged status update to Facebook without creating a small comment war between people who only share awareness of my existence as a connection.

I checked my Wall a couple times over dinner. Lots of "likes" and no negative comments. I kept checking over and over until a strange thought dawned on me.

I didn't really care if my status update started a dispute between some of my Facebook friends. That had happened plenty of times before, and I always just sat back and watched the entertainment. In actuality, I was suddenly embarrassed because I publicly posted a comment about the event in the first place.

I thought, "Is a Sarah Palin joke really the way I want to think back on this night in history?"

I quickly erased my status and began an attempt to craft a new one.

Being the guy who gets choked up during any fireworks display on the 4th of July, I quickly wrote... "So proud to be an American right now!" But then I decided to change it to a comment more directly about the event... "I can't wait to hear an interview with whoever killed Osama bin Laden." That made me think about my friends in the military, and I quickly switched to... "LET'S GET OUR TROOPS HOME NOW!!" But then I wondered about how long it would actually take before our troops could come home. And what kind of thoughts must be running through the heads of the people who were there when bin Laden died. Then I thought about what this must feel like for anyone who lost a loved one in the attacks on 9/11 or the war overseas in the decade since.

I decided not to post anything.

Sometimes a quick status update just isn't enough space for me to process something. Sometimes it takes 578 words to realize that some thoughts and emotions just can't be contained by words in the first place.

***

Editorial Note: There has been some discrepancy over the sentence: "My Facebook friends are pretty evenly split between a bunch of Bible-totin', Republican-votin', salt-of-the-Earth kind of people back in Southwest Florida, and a large brigade of liberal homosexuals in Los Angeles." It should be noted that these are not my only criteria for friendship. I have many, MANY amazing friends who are neither Republican nor gay. I also have many friends who live in New York, Chicago, Austin, San Francisco...hell, some of them reside overseas! I admit that the generalization is unfair to the true demographics of my Facebook friend list...however, I'm leaving it in there because it's the most economical way for me to describe the broad spectrum of people who comprise that friend list. People that I love regardless of their political stances, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, and geographical locations.

Plus, that sentence makes me chuckle every time I read it...so it's staying in. WS, 5/3/11