Monday, August 29, 2011

Poor Maw Maw

Dear Cloris Leachman,

Did you sell your soul to the Devil when you won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for The Last Picture Show?! Did something horrible in another life and this is your karmic payback?!

You're so much better than this:

Your Alzheimers-ridden character Maw Maw on Raising Hope has more going on upstairs than the rest of these broads combined. I don't care if you wanted Pauly D's number or not.

Pull it together, Cloris!


Wednesday, August 17, 2011


FreedomFreedom by Jonathan Franzen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

For the past couple years, the literary character I've most identified with--like a majority of young, American men--is Salinger's Holden Caulfield, a brooding teenage guy discontent with the state of the world in which he finds himself trapped. Special thanks goes out to Jonathan Franzen for flipping my brain (and heart) upside-down and making me connect wholly with Patty Berglund, a depressed, middle-aged housewife who, like the other characters in the masterful novel FREEDOM, is trapped by her right to live free. Who would've thought that a 500+ page book could feel so short? I found myself wanting more chapters on each of the beautiful, tragically drawn characters. Every time I wanted to hate Patty for one of her glaring faults (especially during the "autobiography" chapters), I realized that I often suffer from strikingly similar shortcomings and ideological imperfections. In short, I felt like Franzen was writing directly to me, and my freedom.



I wasn't expecting Walter and Patty to end up back together in the final chapter. After the amount of tragedy they'd endured--mostly due to Patty's failures--I was bracing myself for a heartrending end. I nearly cried when they reunited. I also loved that Joey matured into an admirable man. The novel offers so much hope and love in its final pages, that I almost want to call it a modern fairy tale.

View all my reviews

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Baby Got True Blood

I just learned that in addition to big butts, Sir Mix-a-Lot likes True Blood. And it seems he was especially pleased by this last week's episode:

"Finally, True Blood is getting to the shit we wanna see. Witches gettin' in that azz! Finally some good TV" -sirmixalot

Ever since the rap legend took over his own fan page on Facebook, my internet life has felt complete. Big butts may not be for everyone...but Sir Mix-a-Lot is.

TOP FIVE / Things I'm Living For This Week

Here are the top five things I'm living for this week...

1. "Otis" by Kanye & Jay-Z, Watch the Throne (album)

The song "Otis" is the kind of track that I listen to once, and then can't help starting it over the second it's done. It's upbeat. It's fun. And hearing the two biggest hip hop artists of my generation throwing down hooks alongside classic lyrics from one of the godfathers of R&B/soul is like a musical history lesson in three minutes.

Admittedly, the entire Watch the Throne album is pure, auditory bliss. I also love Beyoncé's work on "Lift Off." But "Otis" is going to be top of my list for a long, long time.

2. Planks

Not to be confused with the internet "phenomenon" called planking. Incorporating planks (pictured above) into a work out routine builds some amazing core muscles...something my body needs anyway! Also, according to a recent report published in Details magazine, planks are much less strenuous on a person's back muscles than crunches. And they would know...because they pay attention to things like "details."

3. Silk: Pure Almond - Dark Chocolate All Natural Almond Milk

It's no secret that I love all things almond. But, milk those little suckers and flavor them with dark chocolate and you've got a concoction that has recently become a staple in my afternoon snack attack. Put it in coffee for a slightly healthier spin on a "mocha." Or just guzzle it straight out of the carton...I do.

4. Suri's Burn Book (

Perez, who? If you haven't visited this Tumblr that imagines how Suri Cruise would verbally eviscerate the offspring of other famous people in an open forum, then you're missing out on everything the internet was invented for: celebrity pictures mixed with biting, sarcastic commentary.

Click the photo of Suri and Katie to get linked to the blog.

5. Miro Sorvino's weird accent in Romy & Michele's High School Reunion

Unfortunately, I missed my ten year high school reunion this past weekend. I'd already used up all my 2011 vacation time on Coachella and a trip to New York it's not like I don't already know who's married and who's gotten fat (A big shout out to Mark Zuckerberg for rendering class reunions virtually useless!). I did, however, take about 15 minutes out of my day on Saturday to watch some of Romy & Michele's High School Reunion with my friend Nathan. The movie has always cracked me up...but especially that weird voice that Mira Sorvino maintains the ENTIRE time. My life would be complete if Romy & Michele both signed on to attend their 25 year reunion in 2012.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The GAYEST Movie Poster Ever

The Three Musketeers are supposed to be suave, manly, and extra tough, right?!

Then why does the guy with the eye patch look like the only character on this poster who could maintain an erection in front of a naked woman? And I'm not talking about the tranny on the far left who CLEARLY has an Adam's apple; I mean a real woman with a real vagina.

We'll start with the bad guys...who both look like pedophiles. The Duke of Buckingham is just trying too hard to be "hip" with that ridiculous earring. Oh, and he only pierced the left ear? Sorry, but that's not fooling anyone. Even if this was the 90's, that pearl would be a dead giveaway. Worse than that is Cardinal Richelieu who looks like he's keeping a stash of comic books, baseball cards and lollipops in the glove box of his "windowless carriage" if you catch my drift.

As far as the heroes are concerned...I guess the fearless leader Aramis is supposed to be crouching in an action pose, but it really looks like he's fearlessly pointing in the direction of the nearest glory hole, most likely in the bathroom at the leather daddy bar where Porthos would assuredly be trolling for tail. Athos--the one who's supposed to be a ladies man--looks like he'd be more comfortable designing women's skirts than chasing them. He'd also probably have his own show on Bravo.

And don't even get me started on all the ways in which D'Artagnan exemplifies "gay face."

***ADDENDUM*** Mon, Aug 8, 1:59 PM:
I was right!! 

Friday, August 5, 2011

Countdown to The Throne.

Yep. I'm pumped.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Coconut Water

So here's the scene...

I'm sauntering through Fresh & Easy dressed in basketball shorts, gym shoes, and a tank top--looking infinitely more health conscious than I actually am. While perusing my options of canned tuna fish, a dude in his mid-30's walks up, glances in my basket, and asks, "Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why do you drink so much of that coconut juice? Is it, like, really good for you?"

I glance down at the six blue bottles of Zico coconut water filling more than sixty-five percent of my carrying basket, think for a moment, and reply, "I dunno. I've read that it's really good for you. I feel like it helps me with hydration...and stuff."

Let me stop right here and tell you that I am a liar, or at least a misrepresenter of facts. If I were telling the God's honest truth, I should've replied, "I've read that it's really good for hydration, not in a medical magazine or on a health blog, but right here on the carton where it says: Natural. Replenish. Rehydrate."

"Gotcha," he replies, "I've been reading a lot about it too. See, my mom has Alzheimers, and I was reading this list of foods that are good for different parts of the body. I guess coconut is really good for your brain."

"Oh yeah!" I declare, as if this was something I'd also read and merely forgotten, then, "I guess that makes sense. I mean, I didn't used to notice it in the stores. And now everybody's got these big displays of coconut water everywhere.* I guess a lot of new studies have come out about how it's really good for you."

He nods, "Yeah. Since the coconut kinda looks like your head, I think what's inside of it is probably good for your brain."

It is at this point in the conversation that I suddenly don't mind offering this guy full disclosure.

"Well, I gotta be honest with you," and I give him my best leveling-with-ya face, "I only started doing coconut water cuz a couple weeks ago I had an evening of heavy drinking and a buddy of mine made me guzzle some at the end of the night. I woke up the next morning and didn't even have a hangover."

"Hmm," he nods while processing this piece of information, "I just read it on that list of foods that are good for different parts of the body. Can't remember where I saw the list though."

"I guess I'll have to Google it."


We both stand there for a couple moments, surveying the contents of each other's baskets. Me trying to imagine what his mother might look like and what his relationship with her is like now that she has Alzheimers; him most likely wondering if I am an alcoholic based on the sheer volume of "hangover cure" I am taking into stock.** At long last he heads off to the bread aisle and I mosey over to the check-out line where I thank the good Lord that I didn't end the conversation by telling him that in addition to being good for hydration, coconut water tastes delicious when spiked with a healthy pour of mango-flavored vodka.

*What a product conscious consumer I make!

**It should be noted that I've been battling a cold all week. Since I've "read so much" on the hydrating properties of coconut water, I decided that stocking up was the best way for me to follow my doctor's demands to get plenty of fluids. I only consume alcohol socially, responsibly, and on the weekends.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

LINKS TO LIKE / How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

I recently purchased a new set of linens for my bed. I guess I was hoping that a higher thread count would equate to better sleep. Rather than having my Fluff & Fold Goddess Susannah launder them for me, I decided to break in the first wash myself. Problem: I realized that I've never properly folded a fitted sheet.

Now I know what you're thinking... "There's no proper way to fold a fitted sheet, silly! You just roll it up and stuff it underneath the pillowcases in the linen closet."

Well, the Internet would disagree with you. I found the second half of the following video to be very helpful. However, one particular comment at the beginning left me howling with laughter.

Obviously Jill has never tried dating in Los Angeles if she honestly believes one of the biggest challenges you'll face in your life is how to fold a fitted sheet.*

*Confession: Jill makes folding a fitted sheet look much easier than it really is. Figuring out which side of CORNER 3 to tuck into CORNERS 1 + 2 was a real bitch.