Thursday, June 2, 2011

GILTy Until Proven Innocent

I have a little problem with online shopping. I won't go into specifics, but let's just say that my U.P.S. guy visits approximately three times a week and knows more about my life than most of the people I consider friends. One week, he delivered me four new pairs of shoes.*

When it comes to apparel, online retailers are the Blofeld to my James Bond. Or maybe it's the other way around since the online retailers always seem to win. Either way...we're archnemeses.** After a couple years in the struggle to spare both my bank account and the fortitude of my closet, I think I've pinpointed how they attack my psyche. It's not just clearance rack prices and free shipping (both ways!!) that get me. It's the freakin' models!

When I go to a department store, I'm supposed to look at the headless/faceless mannequin and imagine that article of clothing looking fantastic on my body. Sorry, Macy's. It doesn't work like that for me. HOWEVER, when I'm clicking around GILT Group and see a handsome model with a worked out body wearing a new t-shirt from Penguin, I immediately think to myself, "I'm positive my jawline will look just as defined if I'm wearing that same shirt." Click. Click. Click.

Since coming to this realization, I've actually curbed my online purchases. And by curbed, I mean Rob in the Big Brown Truck of Happiness only visits once a week now...typically to deliver "essential items." Now every time I'm about to throw a pair of jeans in my virtual cart, I remind myself that they will not inflate my biceps. I was practically tasting my victory over online purchases. Until...

Amazon introduced

Don't get too excited. It's pretty much GILT Group except you log in with your Amazon account. But they've upped the ante. When you click on a potential item of clothing, a model steps forward and shows off the clothes for you. That's right. They've added video.

I'd share a link, but you have to be a member to access the site. I'd invite you, but I'd hate to risk creating other addicts (even though they'd probably give me $10 off my next purchase for signing you up).

Now, you savvy shoppers are probably saying, "Big flippin' deal! Zappos has had video for months now."

And, you're correct. Except on Zappos you have to search for the video and let it load. Here the model greets you at the front door. I can practically hear him saying, "Hey there, Will. You think these jeans make my eyes sparkle? They do. But that's not all. Watch what happens when I put my hands in the pockets. BAM! Instant triceps. You like that? Wait. There's more. Watch how fun it is to turn around in a circle. Yeah. You'd really enjoy walking in circles...if you were wearing these jeans."

Thank God Abercrombie wasn't the first to think of this because the next step would have the model taking the shirt off and placing it in your virtual cart if you click to purchase it.

Oh, shit. I'm giving them ideas.

*Dear Zappos and GILTGroup, Can we space out the deals on my favorite brands a little better? Thanks to you, the only way I can justify my shoe budget is if I sell my car and move to New York City.

**I just had to Google "archnemesis plural" to spell that word. It reminded of a scene with Greg Kinnear in Mystery Men. Which just reminded me that Geoffrey Rush was fantastic as the villain in Mystery Men. Actually, Geoffrey Rush is always fantastic...especially as a villain. I still need to finish that blog post about how he's the unsung hero of the Pirates of the Caribean franchise. Yes, I think Captain Barbossa is a better character than Captain Jack Sparrow. No, I'm not crazy. Jack Sparrow isn't fun without an equally compelling foil to play off...***

***Shit. I just stream-of-consciousness'ed my footnote. I also footnoted a footnote. Is that like incepting a footnote? Can you do that? Is that grammatically correct? Will my footnote get lost in purgatory?

1 comment:

Cameron Cash said...

ASOS has video slow motion! It gives a new meaning to objectification.