Dear Jane Krakowski (and the underhumans known as "writers" on 30 Rock),
Whenever I have copious amounts of downtime and get bored at work, you brighten day via Hulu. On days when my boss is in the office (read: today), I can't make it obvious that I'm just sitting on my ass watching sitcoms. You specifically, Ms. Krakowski, make this tough. I'm excellent at hiding a video screen whenever someone walks past my desk. However, I'm not so good at stifling the laughter from your perfect delivery of some of the funniest lines on television. Since I'm trying to "look busy" today--and I'm completely caught up on the current seasons of 30 Rock, Modern Family, and Raising Hope--I'm taking a moment to list the top 15 quotes that have produced the loudest, longest laughs from your's truly in the first five seasons of 30 Rock.
15. "Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's Apple."
14. "And no making fun of me for using outdated pop culture references. Are we cowabunga on this?"
13. "If I wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again."
12. "Oh, I've taken action. It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing."
11. "Dr. Drew called me un-fixable."
10. "There are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian sex party."
9. "Drama is gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes."
8. "I swear to Kabbalah monster, those jeans are perfect. Look at your butt."
7. "This is the defining thing of my life. It's not gonna be that hit-and-run!"
6. "Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong."
5. "Could a bad mom have raised a daughter who was engaged to a Congressman when she was 16?"
4. "Listen up, Fives! A TEN is speaking!!"
3. "Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one; it's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me."
2. "Last night was a disaster...and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit."
And the quote that I will NEVER forget, from the Jackie Jormp-Jomp storyline in which Jack Donaghey suggests Jenna fake her death to gain attention for the biopic she starred in "loosely implied by" the life of Janis Joplin...
1. "Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear."