Monday, August 29, 2011

Poor Maw Maw

Dear Cloris Leachman,

Did you sell your soul to the Devil when you won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for The Last Picture Show?! Did something horrible in another life and this is your karmic payback?!

You're so much better than this:


Your Alzheimers-ridden character Maw Maw on Raising Hope has more going on upstairs than the rest of these broads combined. I don't care if you wanted Pauly D's number or not.

Pull it together, Cloris!

Xoxo,
Will

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

FREEDOM


FreedomFreedom by Jonathan Franzen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

For the past couple years, the literary character I've most identified with--like a majority of young, American men--is Salinger's Holden Caulfield, a brooding teenage guy discontent with the state of the world in which he finds himself trapped. Special thanks goes out to Jonathan Franzen for flipping my brain (and heart) upside-down and making me connect wholly with Patty Berglund, a depressed, middle-aged housewife who, like the other characters in the masterful novel FREEDOM, is trapped by her right to live free. Who would've thought that a 500+ page book could feel so short? I found myself wanting more chapters on each of the beautiful, tragically drawn characters. Every time I wanted to hate Patty for one of her glaring faults (especially during the "autobiography" chapters), I realized that I often suffer from strikingly similar shortcomings and ideological imperfections. In short, I felt like Franzen was writing directly to me, and my freedom.


*****


SPOILER ALERT:

I wasn't expecting Walter and Patty to end up back together in the final chapter. After the amount of tragedy they'd endured--mostly due to Patty's failures--I was bracing myself for a heartrending end. I nearly cried when they reunited. I also loved that Joey matured into an admirable man. The novel offers so much hope and love in its final pages, that I almost want to call it a modern fairy tale.


View all my reviews

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Baby Got True Blood

I just learned that in addition to big butts, Sir Mix-a-Lot likes True Blood. And it seems he was especially pleased by this last week's episode:


"Finally, True Blood is getting to the shit we wanna see. Witches gettin' in that azz! Finally some good TV" -sirmixalot

Ever since the rap legend took over his own fan page on Facebook, my internet life has felt complete. Big butts may not be for everyone...but Sir Mix-a-Lot is.

TOP FIVE / Things I'm Living For This Week

Here are the top five things I'm living for this week...


1. "Otis" by Kanye & Jay-Z, Watch the Throne (album)



The song "Otis" is the kind of track that I listen to once, and then can't help starting it over the second it's done. It's upbeat. It's fun. And hearing the two biggest hip hop artists of my generation throwing down hooks alongside classic lyrics from one of the godfathers of R&B/soul is like a musical history lesson in three minutes.

Admittedly, the entire Watch the Throne album is pure, auditory bliss. I also love Beyoncé's work on "Lift Off." But "Otis" is going to be top of my list for a long, long time.

2. Planks


Not to be confused with the internet "phenomenon" called planking. Incorporating planks (pictured above) into a work out routine builds some amazing core muscles...something my body needs anyway! Also, according to a recent report published in Details magazine, planks are much less strenuous on a person's back muscles than crunches. And they would know...because they pay attention to things like "details."


3. Silk: Pure Almond - Dark Chocolate All Natural Almond Milk


It's no secret that I love all things almond. But, milk those little suckers and flavor them with dark chocolate and you've got a concoction that has recently become a staple in my afternoon snack attack. Put it in coffee for a slightly healthier spin on a "mocha." Or just guzzle it straight out of the carton...I do.

4. Suri's Burn Book (surisburnbook.tumblr.com)



Perez, who? If you haven't visited this Tumblr that imagines how Suri Cruise would verbally eviscerate the offspring of other famous people in an open forum, then you're missing out on everything the internet was invented for: celebrity pictures mixed with biting, sarcastic commentary.

Click the photo of Suri and Katie to get linked to the blog.

5. Miro Sorvino's weird accent in Romy & Michele's High School Reunion



Unfortunately, I missed my ten year high school reunion this past weekend. I'd already used up all my 2011 vacation time on Coachella and a trip to New York City...plus it's not like I don't already know who's married and who's gotten fat (A big shout out to Mark Zuckerberg for rendering class reunions virtually useless!). I did, however, take about 15 minutes out of my day on Saturday to watch some of Romy & Michele's High School Reunion with my friend Nathan. The movie has always cracked me up...but especially that weird voice that Mira Sorvino maintains the ENTIRE time. My life would be complete if Romy & Michele both signed on to attend their 25 year reunion in 2012.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The GAYEST Movie Poster Ever

The Three Musketeers are supposed to be suave, manly, and extra tough, right?!

Then why does the guy with the eye patch look like the only character on this poster who could maintain an erection in front of a naked woman? And I'm not talking about the tranny on the far left who CLEARLY has an Adam's apple; I mean a real woman with a real vagina.

We'll start with the bad guys...who both look like pedophiles. The Duke of Buckingham is just trying too hard to be "hip" with that ridiculous earring. Oh, and he only pierced the left ear? Sorry, but that's not fooling anyone. Even if this was the 90's, that pearl would be a dead giveaway. Worse than that is Cardinal Richelieu who looks like he's keeping a stash of comic books, baseball cards and lollipops in the glove box of his "windowless carriage" if you catch my drift.

As far as the heroes are concerned...I guess the fearless leader Aramis is supposed to be crouching in an action pose, but it really looks like he's fearlessly pointing in the direction of the nearest glory hole, most likely in the bathroom at the leather daddy bar where Porthos would assuredly be trolling for tail. Athos--the one who's supposed to be a ladies man--looks like he'd be more comfortable designing women's skirts than chasing them. He'd also probably have his own show on Bravo.

And don't even get me started on all the ways in which D'Artagnan exemplifies "gay face."



***ADDENDUM*** Mon, Aug 8, 1:59 PM:
I was right!! 

Friday, August 5, 2011

Countdown to The Throne.



Yep. I'm pumped.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Coconut Water

So here's the scene...

I'm sauntering through Fresh & Easy dressed in basketball shorts, gym shoes, and a tank top--looking infinitely more health conscious than I actually am. While perusing my options of canned tuna fish, a dude in his mid-30's walks up, glances in my basket, and asks, "Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why do you drink so much of that coconut juice? Is it, like, really good for you?"

I glance down at the six blue bottles of Zico coconut water filling more than sixty-five percent of my carrying basket, think for a moment, and reply, "I dunno. I've read that it's really good for you. I feel like it helps me with hydration...and stuff."

Let me stop right here and tell you that I am a liar, or at least a misrepresenter of facts. If I were telling the God's honest truth, I should've replied, "I've read that it's really good for hydration, not in a medical magazine or on a health blog, but right here on the carton where it says: Natural. Replenish. Rehydrate."

"Gotcha," he replies, "I've been reading a lot about it too. See, my mom has Alzheimers, and I was reading this list of foods that are good for different parts of the body. I guess coconut is really good for your brain."

"Oh yeah!" I declare, as if this was something I'd also read and merely forgotten, then, "I guess that makes sense. I mean, I didn't used to notice it in the stores. And now everybody's got these big displays of coconut water everywhere.* I guess a lot of new studies have come out about how it's really good for you."

He nods, "Yeah. Since the coconut kinda looks like your head, I think what's inside of it is probably good for your brain."

It is at this point in the conversation that I suddenly don't mind offering this guy full disclosure.

"Well, I gotta be honest with you," and I give him my best leveling-with-ya face, "I only started doing coconut water cuz a couple weeks ago I had an evening of heavy drinking and a buddy of mine made me guzzle some at the end of the night. I woke up the next morning and didn't even have a hangover."

"Hmm," he nods while processing this piece of information, "I just read it on that list of foods that are good for different parts of the body. Can't remember where I saw the list though."

"I guess I'll have to Google it."

"Yeah."

We both stand there for a couple moments, surveying the contents of each other's baskets. Me trying to imagine what his mother might look like and what his relationship with her is like now that she has Alzheimers; him most likely wondering if I am an alcoholic based on the sheer volume of "hangover cure" I am taking into stock.** At long last he heads off to the bread aisle and I mosey over to the check-out line where I thank the good Lord that I didn't end the conversation by telling him that in addition to being good for hydration, coconut water tastes delicious when spiked with a healthy pour of mango-flavored vodka.


*What a product conscious consumer I make!

**It should be noted that I've been battling a cold all week. Since I've "read so much" on the hydrating properties of coconut water, I decided that stocking up was the best way for me to follow my doctor's demands to get plenty of fluids. I only consume alcohol socially, responsibly, and on the weekends.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

LINKS TO LIKE / How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

I recently purchased a new set of linens for my bed. I guess I was hoping that a higher thread count would equate to better sleep. Rather than having my Fluff & Fold Goddess Susannah launder them for me, I decided to break in the first wash myself. Problem: I realized that I've never properly folded a fitted sheet.

Now I know what you're thinking... "There's no proper way to fold a fitted sheet, silly! You just roll it up and stuff it underneath the pillowcases in the linen closet."

Well, the Internet would disagree with you. I found the second half of the following video to be very helpful. However, one particular comment at the beginning left me howling with laughter.



Obviously Jill has never tried dating in Los Angeles if she honestly believes one of the biggest challenges you'll face in your life is how to fold a fitted sheet.*


*Confession: Jill makes folding a fitted sheet look much easier than it really is. Figuring out which side of CORNER 3 to tuck into CORNERS 1 + 2 was a real bitch.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

THE IRON LADY Poster Revealed!!

Last week, IMDb.com released the exclusive teaser trailer* for The Iron Lady...a biopic based on the life of Margaret Thatcher starring none other than Meryl Streep. I pulled some strings over at 20th Century Fox and am proud to announce that Chill with Will is offering you the very first look at the official poster for what is sure to be one of the holiday season's hottest Oscar contenders.


Eat your heart out, Christopher Nolan.



*Here's a link: http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3355286553/

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Things I Learned On My Summer Vacation

Maybe nobody noticed, but I haven't posted a blog in a week and a half. Long story short, I spent the 4th of July weekend in Philadelphia on a family vacation...followed by six days in New York City with more family and friends. Here are the top lessons I learned while I was gone:

iPhone Autocorrect SUCKS. When your boss's wife is in Italy and emailing you at 9:00 AM her time (3:00 AM your time), you should wait until you're coherent enough to respond. I always proofread my emails, but somehow my brain read this: I'm in NYC right now but will send it out as soon as I'm back on Monday.

Here's what I sent instead:

Her response the next day: Okay. But don't "fertile" out too much.

Thank God she has a sense of humor.

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark presents the strongest case ever for a Facebook "dislike" button. I'm writing this the day after I saw the $75 milllion "spectacle" on Broadway. If you put a gun to my head and asked me to hum the tune of a single song in the whole damn musical, I honestly don't think I could do it. I remember titles of songs. One was called "Rise Above," and I remember enjoying the number. However, every time I try to hum it, I start singing Glinda's part from "What Is This Feeling?" in Wicked.* Same goes for Green Goblin's "Freak Like Me Needs Company." I only think of Adina Howard.

Mind you, I was going into this with an open mind. I love spectacle. I'm also a fan of Bono and The Edge...and I used to watch the show's star (Reeve Carney) perform on Wednesday nights at Molly Malone's in Los Angeles**. If anyone was going to enjoy this production...it would be me. I mean, in all fairness...the sets were uncanny. Also, the wire work felt like a living, breathing version of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Yet despite those elements, I was still completely bored out of my mind.

It should be noted that earlier in the week I saw The Book of Mormon. Which has one of the most memorable soundtracks...well...ever. It totally lives up to its hype, but I'm going to stop talking about it now because I don't want to throw out any spoilers.

No matter how diverse your musical tastes ar
e, there is always something new to be discovered in the most unlikely of places. On Saturday evening I joined my friends Laura and Christi at the Weeksville Community Center to see some woman whose name I couldn't pronounce. Beforehand, I read that she had 10 Grammys or something like that. The concert was in this beautiful community garden. Turns out, Me'shell Ndegéocello rocked my face off. Here's a quick video clip of the opening of her performance. Twenty seconds in I turned my camera off and just enjoyed the show (one of my mid-year's resolutions).






At two in the morning, all bets are off.
A few things I remember from my waking moments at 2:00 AM... Running into a friend from high school who I haven't seen (literally) in ten years. Watching my sister Bethany attempt to steal a fluffy dog from a creepy Russian on a bicycle. Divulging some of my deepest secrets in a shady Manhattan bar while some stranger across the room snapped candid photos of my buddy and me...next time don't use a flash, idiot. Dancing my ass off on top of a bar. And don't even get me started on the subway...


At four in the morning, all bets are really off. Yeah, I'd expand on this some more...if I remembered what was going every night I stayed up until 4:00 AM.

Sleepless in Seattle is a freakin' lie. I have a soft spot for Nora Ephron...specifically when she's working with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. But when I accompanied my sister, brother-in-law, and the most adorable niece in the world (see images below for proof) to the Empire State Building, I learned that Ms. Ephron wasn't just asking me to suspend my disbelief in regards to a man falling in love with his cross-country stalker (or in regards to Rosie O'Donnell being a straight woman). She was majorly speeding up time when Tom and Meg meet on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The line to get up top is a leg-numbing 90 minute wait. And maybe things were different in a pre-9/11 world...but you don't just walk around the 86th floor with absolutely NO ONE else around.




iPhone Games with Friends are perfect time wasters when you're stuck in a long line.
Between Words with Friends, Chess with Friends, and now Hanging with Friends, I managed to maintain my sanity in situations just like the one mentioned above.

iPhone Games with Friends are perfect battery wasters as well. Maybe it was the cutesy cartoon graphics, but I feel like every time I used Hanging with Friends my battery life would decrease by 20%. Oh, and don't even get me started on the energy draining power of the Facebook app.

Harry Potter poster displays make the coolest subway stops. These shitty cell phone photos do NOT give them justice...but use your imagination people...just like you did when you read those seven amazing books.




And last but not least...

Why hasn't there been a buddy road trip movie centered around the Google Street View car? I'd rather see Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman trapped in a car together than switching bodies.



*****

And that's just getting started!! I could fill countless more blog posts about this vacation: There was the 4th of July Spectacular outside of the Philadelphia Museum of the Arts where I lost my shit over The Roots, my mom lost her shit over Earth Wind & Fire, and my sister lost her shit over Boyz II Men (all performing live!). There was also the beauty of The Met...where I witnessed a stunning Alexander McQueen exhibit, accidentally photobombed about 45 tourist pictures in ancient Egypt, and learned the value of "a little splash of cran." Finally, and I can't stress this enough, the movie Jaws is still pretty freaking amazing if you can witness it in a crowded movie theater (thanks IFC Center!!).


*"So I will riiiiiiise above it!"


**Yep. I just dropped an "I knew 'em when..."

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Can Somebody Explain LinkedIn To Me?

Seriously, I've been accepting people on LinkedIn for years now and I don't even know what to call them. On Facebook they're my friends, on Twitter they're my followers, on MySpace they're my Ethiopian spammers... I think they're supposed to be my "connections" on LinkedIn. Maybe? That sounds too similar to a gay dating website though.

I vaguely remember signing up for it a few years ago with promises of revolutionizing my career. So far, the most interaction I've had with the website is accepting people who add me. I don't even have a photo up.

Can anybody tell me what I'm supposed to do on LinkedIn? Maybe it's too functional, and I just don't have the capacity for it. If it's not going to waste my time at work...why would I want to log on anyway?

Books You "Must" Read This Summer

I recall reading a hilarious blog about a year ago where the author took a bunch of classic novels and added quotation marks to a word or two making them ironic and funny. Every couple of months I see a post on Facebook that would warrant a re-post of this original blog, yet for the life of me I can't seem to find it.

Here is my shoddy attempt at remembering some of the funniest titles. Promise me you'll imagine an ironic eye roll or sarcastic side-eye as you read each word in quotations.

The "Great" Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Red Badge of "Courage" by Stephen Crane

Of Mice and "Men" by John Steinbeck

Pilgrim's "Progress" by John Bunyan

"Little" Women by Louisa May Alcott

The Portrait of a "Lady" by Henry James

As I Lay "Dying" by William Faulkner

Crime and "Punishment" by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The "Good" Earth by Pearl S. Buck

Lady Chatterlay's "Lover" by D.H. Lawrence

"Great" Expectations by Charles Dickens

"Persuasion" by Jane Austen

"Sense" and Sensibility by Jane Austen

::also works the other way::

Sense and "Sensibility" by Jane Austen

Paradise "Lost" by John Milton

The House of "Mirth" by Edith Wharton

As You "Like" It by William Shakespeare

"Beloved" by Toni Morisson

"Common" Sense by Thomas Paine

That's it for now. There are probably hundreds more. Feel free to post your favorites below!



Friday, June 24, 2011

YEAH NEW YORK!!

Nice work today, gang.





Thursday, June 23, 2011

OVERHEARD / Dinner Plans

Just had this lovely textual exchange with a buddy of mine...

ME: "Still on for dinner tonight? What time works for you?"

BUDDY: "Whatever works for you."

ME: "Cool. I'm done with work now. What're you in the mood for?"

BUDDY: "Pussy."

ME: "Excellent. I know a fantastic Chinese place."

Zing.

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / The Tree of Life


1.
Nature of Father
The duality of God
Nurture of Mother

2.
Striking images
Symbolism abundant
Kinda sparse on plot

3.
Jessica Chastain
You're in SEVEN films this year?!
Agent must work hard.

4.
Best Film of the Year
Most audiences will loathe
I happen to LOVE.

5.
One element that
Pulled me out of the film though:
C.G.I. Dinos


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

LINKS TO LIKE / Robyn - "Call Your Girlfriend"



1. This song is very.*
2. That outfit looks like something my next door neighbor would've picked out for herself when she was six-years-old...and I LOVE IT!
3. I'm now trying to perfect the dance moves from 1:25 - 1:40.


*If you get that reference, then we must plan a movie night soon.

The CAPTCHA with the Pi


Dear Facebook,

I simply wanted to post a link about Jake Gyllenhaal joining Bear Grylls in Iceland* for the season premiere of Man vs. Wild on my friend's wall. All I have to say is, "WTF, FB?!"

I appreciate your new CAPTCHA system helping to ensure that fewer idiots will click virus spreading links about seeing Osama Bin Laden's dead body or watching the world's fattest baby smoke a cigarette or whatever.** However, isn't this going a little far? I'm pretty adept at producing strange letters with my keyboard. My niece's name is Zoë. That's right, Facebook. We have an umlaut in our family. Also, I sometimes like to mix up emails by throwing in a little Spanglish, "¡See you mañana!"

I'm not trying to brag. I'm merely pointing out that if any Average Joe would be prepared to crack your latest CAPTCHA, it would be me. However, since I'm neither a mathematician nor Darren Aronofsky, I have no earthly idea how to quickly produce the symbol for Pi on my keyboard. Is it possible to stick to letters in the English alphabet and simple, whole numbers...like ones that don't go on for eternity?!

Sincerely,

Will

P.S. In a quarter of the time it took me to write and proofread this blog, I Googled Pi and found out that (on a Mac system, at least) you hold down ALT and the letter p simultaneously. That magic combination of keys will produce: π.


*I've had dreams that start out with this scenario.

**Thank God the spammers haven't started "Hunger Games" related spam links. I'd fall for that shit in an instant!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My Starbucks Order...and why you should care


This morning I was making eyes with a cute barista when I found myself wishing that I was one of those people who was known by name and regular order at "their" Starbucks. Truth be told, I would be one of those people if I had a Starbucks to call my own. I do order the exact same thing (in the exact same fashion) every time I go. Unfortunately, I'm always on the road between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara, and my routine isn't quite conducive to loyally frequenting the same location.

As I awaited my order, I pondered Starbucks culture and was hit by a lightning bolt. Everything you ever wanted to know about a person is summed up in their usual Starbucks order. For instance, I always go for the same thing: "Trenta-sized, iced, green tea, not sweetened...and a spinach wrap."

Let's break this down:

Trenta-sized: I lead with the size so that the barista knows I'm getting down to business. A person who orders a "trenta" is a "Go Big or Go Home" type of individual. Right up front they're saying, "I'm freakin' thirsty...and the only thing that can quench that thirst is 31 ounces of whatever delicious liquid I'm about to request..."

Iced*: Certain circles of Starbucks aficionadi would argue that this is a superfluous word in my order. Everyone knows that the trenta size is currently only available for iced drinks at The 'Bucks. However, I'm thorough. Sometimes I give more information than is necessary just so I know that everyone is on the same page. Ask anyone that I've been in a relationship with and they will tell you that I often tend to "overshare" my feelings. I also have a tendency to be a real dick under the banner of "just being totally honest." I allow these characters flaws to manifest themselves in the word "ICED."

Green tea: I am a Zen Master. Zen being the flavor of green tea that Starbucks uses for iced drink orders. It's far superior to their other hot green tea flavor, "China Green Tips," which I believe carries a bit of a soapy taste. While I'm on this tangent, I often wish Starbucks would offer a rice-ier green tea. Something along the lines of a genmaicha flavor.**

Not sweetened: I like a strong, bitter tea. I need full flavor to wake up my taste buds in the morning...no hiding behind a sugary pump of syrup. I'm the kinda guy who likes his whiskey neat, his salsa muy caliente, and his music cranked to eleven. When I make tea at home, I never read the "recommended steeping time." I leave the bag in until I've finished off the whole damn cup. There's nothing quite like that last gulp, which I would describe as a gang of rabid antioxidants having an orgy in your throat.

...and a Spinach Wrap: I can't maintain this svelte figure on pumpkin bread and old fashioned donuts. Clocking in at 280 calories, the Breakfast Wrap (with its spinach, egg whites, and feta cheese) is a surprisingly delicious and nutritious way to kick start a morning. Thank you very much!

So, that pretty much sums up my order. Now the trick is finding a "grande, iced Americano with a veggie, artisan breakfast sandwich" or maybe even a "tall, extra coffee caramel frap, with soy milk and no whip" with whom I can share a lifetime of happiness and jazzy music.

Meh. With my luck, my soul mate probably spends all their time at The Coffee Bean...


*Can I just spend a moment on how much I love the ice chips at Starbucks? By the time the drink is finished, they have melted down to just the right amount of thickness for a totally enjoyable ice crunching experience. That's right. I'm an ice chewer. Always have been and probably always will be. In high school a friend of mine told me that chewing ice is a sign of sexual frustration... Indeed.

**Knocking your socks off with my knowledge of green teas here!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

OVERHEARD / Afternoon Movie Plans

My friend Laurianne is on her cell phone. She said the following:

"Yeah. We're gonna go see 'Bridesmaids' this afternoon."

::Pause::

"Bridesmaids."

::Pause::

"You know...it's that movie about the bridesmaids."

Indeed.

Friday, June 17, 2011

LINKS TO LIKE / Stuck

Wow. I can't say enough good things about this short. I totally know what I'm doing the next time I get stuck in an airport...

STUCK from Joe Ayala on Vimeo.

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / Bridesmaids

1.
Bridesmaids
, oh, BRIDESMAIDS!!
You are a breath of fresh air!
Laugh so hard you'll pee.

2.
It's not a sequel?!
God bless Mumolo and Wiig's
ORIGINAL script!!

3.
Hey Maya Rudolph,
You deserve an Oscar for
Shitting in the street.

4.
One minor complaint:
Less baking montages, please.
More girls having fun!

5.
Comedic Goddess
Wendi McLendon-Covey
I love love LOVE YOU!!*


*Like, for real. Every single one of your lines cracked me up. You are the only reason I will endure an "extended cut" on Blu-Ray...cuz you know Paul Feig and Judd Apatow just can't resist shoving another 35 minutes onto an already lengthy running time for that release. At least five of those minutes better be focused you...I'm fine if the rest are all Melissa McCarthy.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Eek!

Currently at a short film festival. When a director finishes introducing his short "experimental" film and says, "I'm gonna go pee," it's a BAD SIGN.

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / The Hangover Part II

1.
A spoiler alert:
This flick wreaks like spoiled meat
Hangover Part Ewww!!

2.
Hangover sequel
Felt more like the Saw franchise
Groan more than you laugh.

3.
A severed finger?
Death by cocaine overdose?
Who thinks this is fun?!

4.
Galifianakis*
Much funnier in Due Date
And that flick was shit.

5.
Drug dealing monkey
Best performance in the film
Yet he phones it in.


*Ugh...could your name have any more syllables...or random vowels?!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

SUMMER MOVIE HAIKUS / X-Men: First Class

1.
Mutants in mod clothes
Can't help that they're born this way.
Mad Men meets Gaga?

2.
Comic book movie
Set against the Bay of Pigs
Brings home the Bacon*.

3.
Hey James McAvoy,
You'll win your Oscar one day.
Keep up the good work.

4.
With two editors
This should have a lot more cuts.
Two hours ten minutes?!?!

5.
January Jones
You are a freakin' fembot.
Acting lessons soon?



*Kevin Bacon, that is.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Beep beep!

Dear West Hollywood AIDSMobile,

I totally respect the work that you do. Your centralized location in the heart of the Santa Monica Blvd bar scene reminds everyone to stop and think for just a moment before stumbling home with a random stranger picked up at a 2:00 AM "sidewalk sale" when the bars start kicking people out. Furthermore, your proximity to Millions of Milk Shakes is perfect for anyone who steps out of your cab less a pint of blood and needs to raise their sugar levels. You are a West Hollywood icon*.

However, I gotta admit that this recently snapped image isn't doing anything positive for your image. Anyone would be skeptical to step inside, much less allow a needle anywhere near a major vein considering this shoddy setup:


Here's hoping you get your act together, West Hollywood AIDSMobile. Otherwise you may have to relocate somewhere south of downtown.

Sincerely,

Will


*Just like dodgeball on Tuesdays, marijuana dispensaries, and WeHo Jesus.

"You on candid camera!!"

Dear Sir with the Insatiable Hunger for Pinkberry,

You thought I was so wrapped up in my Scrabble app that I wouldn't notice as you "stealthily" breezed past me in line last night. You misinterpreted my focus on my iPhone as a "lack of interest" in the BRAND NEW flavors unveiled for the summer. You, sir, were wrong in this assumption. After waiting behind eight other people, I was just as anxious as you were to sample both WATERMELON and SALTED CARAMEL.* You're fortunate your sneak move was so unabashedly comical. Under normal circumstances, I would have simply cut back in front of you, reclaiming my rightful place in line. However, your obviously sloppy attempt at "butting" prompted me to test a skill I've been meaning to develop: the "Sneak Attack" iPhone Photo of an Unaware Stranger.

This, sir, is the true definition of stealth:


Sincerely,

Will

P.S. As someone who frequents crowded theme parks, I suggest that in the future you don't turn around to stare at the person you're cutting seven times. Most people aren't as forgiving as me. It's better to keep your eyes on the prize and let them stare at the back of your head while working up the nerve to call you out on your social faux pas.



*I originally went in thinking I'd order a salted caramel after sampling the flavors. Surprisingly, watermelon completely won me over. I'm almost ready to declare it the flavor of the summer.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bradley Cooper is NOT what the French call "les incompetents"



I love how serious Bradley Cooper looks when he's speaking French. Someone should remind him that he's promoting a movie where Zach Galifianakis tricks a monkey into simulating fellatio on a wrinkled Asian man.

Also, I love that The Hangover Part II translates into Very Bad Trip 2. I haven't seen it yet, but if the Rotten Tomatoes score is any indicator, the "French title" is more accurate.

Stole this link from friend Isaac's blog. He's funnier and more prolific in his posts. Check out He Who Laughs, or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy post haste!

GILTy Until Proven Innocent

I have a little problem with online shopping. I won't go into specifics, but let's just say that my U.P.S. guy visits approximately three times a week and knows more about my life than most of the people I consider friends. One week, he delivered me four new pairs of shoes.*

When it comes to apparel, online retailers are the Blofeld to my James Bond. Or maybe it's the other way around since the online retailers always seem to win. Either way...we're archnemeses.** After a couple years in the struggle to spare both my bank account and the fortitude of my closet, I think I've pinpointed how they attack my psyche. It's not just clearance rack prices and free shipping (both ways!!) that get me. It's the freakin' models!

When I go to a department store, I'm supposed to look at the headless/faceless mannequin and imagine that article of clothing looking fantastic on my body. Sorry, Macy's. It doesn't work like that for me. HOWEVER, when I'm clicking around GILT Group and see a handsome model with a worked out body wearing a new t-shirt from Penguin, I immediately think to myself, "I'm positive my jawline will look just as defined if I'm wearing that same shirt." Click. Click. Click.


Since coming to this realization, I've actually curbed my online purchases. And by curbed, I mean Rob in the Big Brown Truck of Happiness only visits once a week now...typically to deliver "essential items." Now every time I'm about to throw a pair of jeans in my virtual cart, I remind myself that they will not inflate my biceps. I was practically tasting my victory over online purchases. Until...

Amazon introduced MYHABIT.com

Don't get too excited. It's pretty much GILT Group except you log in with your Amazon account. But they've upped the ante. When you click on a potential item of clothing, a model steps forward and shows off the clothes for you. That's right. They've added video.


I'd share a link, but you have to be a member to access the site. I'd invite you, but I'd hate to risk creating other addicts (even though they'd probably give me $10 off my next purchase for signing you up).

Now, you savvy shoppers are probably saying, "Big flippin' deal! Zappos has had video for months now."

And, you're correct. Except on Zappos you have to search for the video and let it load. Here the model greets you at the front door. I can practically hear him saying, "Hey there, Will. You think these jeans make my eyes sparkle? They do. But that's not all. Watch what happens when I put my hands in the pockets. BAM! Instant triceps. You like that? Wait. There's more. Watch how fun it is to turn around in a circle. Yeah. You'd really enjoy walking in circles...if you were wearing these jeans."

Thank God Abercrombie wasn't the first to think of this because the next step would have the model taking the shirt off and placing it in your virtual cart if you click to purchase it.

Oh, shit. I'm giving them ideas.



*Dear Zappos and GILTGroup, Can we space out the deals on my favorite brands a little better? Thanks to you, the only way I can justify my shoe budget is if I sell my car and move to New York City.

**I just had to Google "archnemesis plural" to spell that word. It reminded of a scene with Greg Kinnear in Mystery Men. Which just reminded me that Geoffrey Rush was fantastic as the villain in Mystery Men. Actually, Geoffrey Rush is always fantastic...especially as a villain. I still need to finish that blog post about how he's the unsung hero of the Pirates of the Caribean franchise. Yes, I think Captain Barbossa is a better character than Captain Jack Sparrow. No, I'm not crazy. Jack Sparrow isn't fun without an equally compelling foil to play off...***

***Shit. I just stream-of-consciousness'ed my footnote. I also footnoted a footnote. Is that like incepting a footnote? Can you do that? Is that grammatically correct? Will my footnote get lost in purgatory?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Possibly my last blog post ever...

Today I was iChatting with my mom (who lives on the east coast). We were discussing everything from Chaz Bono on Oprah to whether or not Mom will enjoy the movie Bridesmaids*. We landed on the subject of the rapture possibly occurring tomorrow. Here's a snippet of our conversation:

Mom: she had breasts removed, but doesn't have a penis...
Mom: can you get a penis...
Mom: like from a donor?????

Will: i THINK they do penis tranpslants.
Will: but I've never looked into it.

Mom: maybe someone wanting to be a woman
Mom: ??

Will: now THAT is very doable.
Will: i've seen a documentary on it.
Will: oh, wait, you mean, like, switching?

Mom: What becoming a woman?

Will: yeah, i know that a man who wants to be a woman can have his penis removed

Mom: yeah
Mom: i think it would be easier to go that way

(Will disappears for a moment while he "likes" some Facebook statuses)

Will: i don't know if they can put it on a woman.
Will: i'll have to read up on this.
Will: what a strange world we live in.

Mom: I'd forgotten what we were talking about
Mom: before you paused for a bit
Mom: he...chaz...has an autobiography out now
Mom: i think i'll read (listen) to rob lowe's first

Will: haha...sorry for disappearing...i was reading your FB wall

Mom: don't be sorry
Mom: you can't be sorry...you're getting raptured tomorrow at 6pm
Mom: does that mean I'll be raptured 3 hours before you?

Will: probably
Will: try to hold a spot for me at the table with the rest of the family.
Will: i'll be the last Sherrod to show up.

Mom: Dad will be waiting for us.
Mom: he'll have our seats picked out.

Will: it'll be a record
Will: first time that he's ever the first to show up to something!

Mom: LOL!!!!!
Mom: you're going to make me wet my pants!

***

If we are raptured tomorrow, it'll be great to see you again Daddy-O. The girls and I have missed you...even though we still joke about your lack of punctuality. In the likely event that we're NOT raptured, I'd like to say that I'm grateful to be stuck here on earth with the best family and friends a guy could possibly have.


*YES, she will love Bridesmaids.

Monday, May 9, 2011

When Doves Cry...

On Saturday, I made the trek all the way out to The Forum in Inglewood with fifteen friends to see Prince perform. Here are the two pictures I managed to snap with my camera phone.*


It may not be a "little red Corvette," but that van fit sixteen crazy concert-goers. You'd think we were going to pull an "inception" on Prince.

Drinking Four Loko is enough to make the doves cry.


*When traveling to Inglewood, it's important to keep all belongings on your person at all times. I will miss you, Panasonic Digital Camera. We captured some AMAZING times together.

OH! And my friend snapped this photo, which I spiced up in Photoshop:

Nice work, Pocket. Way to give us all a story to remember!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Tribute to Jenna Maroney


Dear Jane Krakowski (and the underhumans known as "writers" on 30 Rock),

Whenever I have copious amounts of downtime and get bored at work, you brighten day via Hulu. On days when my boss is in the office (read: today), I can't make it obvious that I'm just sitting on my ass watching sitcoms. You specifically, Ms. Krakowski, make this tough. I'm excellent at hiding a video screen whenever someone walks past my desk. However, I'm not so good at stifling the laughter from your perfect delivery of some of the funniest lines on television. Since I'm trying to "look busy" today--and I'm completely caught up on the current seasons of
30 Rock, Modern Family, and Raising Hope--I'm taking a moment to list the top 15 quotes that have produced the loudest, longest laughs from your's truly in the first five seasons of 30 Rock.

Sincerely,

Will

15. "Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's Apple."

14. "And no making fun of me for using outdated pop culture references. Are we cowabunga on this?"

13. "If I wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again."

12. "Oh, I've taken action. It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing."

11. "Dr. Drew called me un-fixable."

10. "There are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian sex party."

9. "Drama is gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes."

8. "I swear to Kabbalah monster, those jeans are perfect. Look at your butt."

7. "This is the defining thing of my life. It's not gonna be that hit-and-run!"

6. "Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong."

5. "Could a bad mom have raised a daughter who was engaged to a Congressman when she was 16?"

4. "Listen up, Fives! A TEN is speaking!!"

3. "Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one; it's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me."

2. "Last night was a disaster...and not the good kind where I get to sing at a benefit."

And the quote that I will NEVER forget, from the Jackie Jormp-Jomp storyline in which Jack Donaghey suggests Jenna fake her death to gain attention for the biopic she starred in "loosely implied by" the life of Janis Joplin...

1. "Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

It's been over two weeks since I saw SCRE4M...


...and aside from the fairly clever opening, the only memorable element of the movie is Hayden Panettiere's sassy haircut.



Holy shit! A Culkin was in the movie?!

Monday, May 2, 2011

What I Felt

I was sitting on my couch watching a horror movie with a few friends when the announcement was made. When the movie ended and I was in my room changing into pants to go out for dinner, my buddy said, "Hey Will. Hop online. I just got an email that says Osama bin Laden is dead."

I hopped over to my iMac and, sure enough, Google News was bursting with headlines marking bin Laden's death.

The video stream on CNN.com wasn't loading fast enough so I clicked over to my number one source of news coverage: Facebook. My News Feed was hemorrhaging with status updates of all varieties voicing the same resounding message...Osama bin Laden is dead.

They ranged from the humorous: "And in a final act of terrorism, Osama bin Laden has to go and screw up my date night." To the lyrical: "Obama said Osama's dead. Say that five times fast." To the inspirational: "It's amazing how the morale and general attitude of everyone here in Afghanistan has improved so vastly in a matter of minutes." To the sentimental: "America. Fuck yeah!"

My favorite update came from my brother-in-law: "Well, I guess Toby Keith will finally have something new to sing about."

Not wanting to be left out, I typed in the first thing that came to mind... "Does this mean Sarah Palin's not getting elected in 2012?" I posted it and went off to dinner.

About five minutes into the walk to the restaurant, I started getting nervous. My Facebook friends are pretty evenly split between a bunch of Bible-totin', Republican-votin', salt-of-the-Earth kind of people back in Southwest Florida, and a large brigade of liberal homosexuals in Los Angeles. I can't think of a time that I posted a politically-charged status update to Facebook without creating a small comment war between people who only share awareness of my existence as a connection.

I checked my Wall a couple times over dinner. Lots of "likes" and no negative comments. I kept checking over and over until a strange thought dawned on me.

I didn't really care if my status update started a dispute between some of my Facebook friends. That had happened plenty of times before, and I always just sat back and watched the entertainment. In actuality, I was suddenly embarrassed because I publicly posted a comment about the event in the first place.

I thought, "Is a Sarah Palin joke really the way I want to think back on this night in history?"

I quickly erased my status and began an attempt to craft a new one.

Being the guy who gets choked up during any fireworks display on the 4th of July, I quickly wrote... "So proud to be an American right now!" But then I decided to change it to a comment more directly about the event... "I can't wait to hear an interview with whoever killed Osama bin Laden." That made me think about my friends in the military, and I quickly switched to... "LET'S GET OUR TROOPS HOME NOW!!" But then I wondered about how long it would actually take before our troops could come home. And what kind of thoughts must be running through the heads of the people who were there when bin Laden died. Then I thought about what this must feel like for anyone who lost a loved one in the attacks on 9/11 or the war overseas in the decade since.

I decided not to post anything.

Sometimes a quick status update just isn't enough space for me to process something. Sometimes it takes 578 words to realize that some thoughts and emotions just can't be contained by words in the first place.

***

Editorial Note: There has been some discrepancy over the sentence: "My Facebook friends are pretty evenly split between a bunch of Bible-totin', Republican-votin', salt-of-the-Earth kind of people back in Southwest Florida, and a large brigade of liberal homosexuals in Los Angeles." It should be noted that these are not my only criteria for friendship. I have many, MANY amazing friends who are neither Republican nor gay. I also have many friends who live in New York, Chicago, Austin, San Francisco...hell, some of them reside overseas! I admit that the generalization is unfair to the true demographics of my Facebook friend list...however, I'm leaving it in there because it's the most economical way for me to describe the broad spectrum of people who comprise that friend list. People that I love regardless of their political stances, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, and geographical locations.

Plus, that sentence makes me chuckle every time I read it...so it's staying in. WS, 5/3/11

Friday, April 29, 2011

I didn't watch the Royal Wedding...

...but I did have one thought after perusing pictures online this morning:


If Stanley Kubrick were alive today and looking to make a film about flight attendants, Victoria Beckham would be a shoo in.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I've finally made a decision...

I've gone back and forth on this for weeks now...and it's been a tough one. But, I've weighed the pros and the cons. And, at long last, I have reached a conclusion...

I want to see the Justin Bieber movie.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Secret It!!

I believe in The Secret now.

About an hour ago I was thinking... "I'd really LOVE an ice cream cone right now." I could practically taste it.

One of my coworkers just walked into my office with a half eaten soft serve cone from Foster's Freeze. There were still, like, two little chunks of the hand-dipped chocolate shell clinging to the quickly melting ice cream. I devoured it.

Does this mean that one day I might win a half-eaten Oscar statuette?

Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A few thoughts on this morning's Oscar nominations...

1. This ten nominees thing (once again) is pretty stupid. Winter's Bone was not that good. I fell asleep watching it at Sundance last year. The fact that The Town got pushed out of the Best Picture and Screenplay nominations is pretty freaking annoying.

2. Totally not surprised that the Coen Bros. sneaked into the Directing nominations.

3. However... TOTALLY surprised that they pushed Christopher Nolan out instead of David O. Russell. Not because The Fighter was bad...but mostly because I thought most of Hollywood hated David O. Russell and didn't really mind Christopher Nolan so much. Guess I was wrong.

4. They don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning, but my favorite acting nominees are Jesse Eisenberg, Michelle Williams, and Jacki Weaver.

5. Christian Bale will most likely win Supporting Actor. And that's totally deserved.

6. The Social Network better win everything else.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

10 from '10: Favorite Movies

I don't know that I'm even going to be able to come up with 10 movies from 2010 to put on my "best of" list. But, I know 2010 was a hell of a lot better than last year (when the only two movies I was willing to admit I thoroughly enjoyed were Up in the Air and The Hangover).

Here are my favorites of this year:

1. Toy Story 3
2. The Social Network
3. Piranha
4. Inception
5. How to Train Your Dragon
6. Exit Through the Gift Shop
7. The Town
8. True Grit


Okay, that's it. I can't even come up with a full ten. I mean, I liked Black Swan, Waiting for Superman, The King's Speech, Tangled, Winter's Bone, 127 Hours, The Red Riding Trilogy, and a handful of other movies. I thought Jackie Weaver's performance in Animal Kingdom was hands down the best acting I saw all year long. However, I don't know that I'll ever feel the need to go back and re-watch any of them. That should be a criteria for one of your favorite movies...right?

Not be a Negative Nancy, but here's my list of the 12 WORST movies of 2010 (I'm adding two to account for the missing numbers in my "favorites" list):

1. Skyline
2. For Colored Girls
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street
4. Clash of the Titans
5. Robin Hood
6. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
7. Predators
8. Knight and Day
9. The Last Airbender
10. Date Night
11. Saw 3D
12. The Kids Are All Right

My cinematic New Years Resolution in 2011 is to watch more documentaries and foreign films. I saw a lot of great documentaries on Netflix this year that I wish I'd experienced when they came out.