Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Woof.

Will wants a dog.

Okay, that's not entirely true. Impulsive Will wants a dog.

Impulsive Will who should not have "1-click shopping" activated on Amazon.com wants a dog.

Impulsive Will who should plan driving routes that circumvent Pinkberry a month before swimsuit season wants a dog.

Reasonable Will...who hasn't been rearing his ugly head enough these days...recognizes that a dog is the last thing Will needs.

Nicely kept, moderately clean apartment with no backyard + A dog = Disaster

Nose clogging allergies to animal dander + A normal looking dog = Epic Disaster

The problem?

Runyon Canyon.

Every time I go hiking I see a whole parade of pooches that are just waiting. Waiting on what you might ask?

Waiting on my love and affection?

Nope.

Waiting on me to feed, bathe, and care for them?

Hardly.

These dogs are waiting on me to name them!

That's right, the only reason I want a dog is so that I can give it a kitschy name and send it out into the world a happier canine.

The last time I was at Runyon I watched a Scottish terrier named "Rocky" pick a fight with a miniature chihuahua the owner kept referring to as "Jedi." A dog named Rocky that picks fights...I dig that. Mad props to that owner. A dog named Jedi that's as puny and insignificant as Lucas's Star Wars prequels...even madder props to that owner (though I doubt that's what she was going for).

This instance is the exception to the rule. All the other "Spots" and "Fidos" I cross look miserable...and not just because their owners are making them hike uphill in 95 degree weather.

So, how did Reasonable Will curb Impulsive Will in this epic battle of Wills*?

I went to my neighborhood Humane Society's website and came up with new names for all the dogs represented.

If you've read this far, then you're probably interested in what I came up with. So, here are my top three:

DOOMSDAY



CHURRO


JEFFREY DAHMER**

Now let's see if Reasonable Will can beat Impulsive Will one more time by logging off of the Humane Society website and getting back to his expense reports.

*Please don't hate me.

**As a rule, I'm generally opposed to giving dogs last names. Dogs are wild, unrefined animals just like Ke$ha, and they should be christened as such. But how freakin' awesome would it be for me to chase that little rascal around Runyon Canyon while screaming, "Get back here, Jeffrey Dahmer! Drop that chicken bone right now!!"

2 comments:

John Sherrod said...

Pugs are awesome! We have one. They're very loyal, people-loving dogs. Don't like to be left alone though.

csherrod said...

Sooooo funny! I love Doomsday! I've gotten my fix with John's poodle, Cosette.