Friday, March 20, 2009

I gotta hand it to you DETAILS Magazine...

...you just made my week.

When I turned 26 (last November, for those of you who aren't yet friends with me on Facebook), I got a little depressed. All of a sudden it dawned me that I was no longer eligible to be photographed in one of People Magazine's "25 Most Influential People Under 25." Vain? Yes. Shallow? Incredibly. However, I still felt down in the dumps. The fact that I would no longer have an opportunity to be folded into a magazine sandwiched somewhere between Rihanna and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (that's McLovin for those of you who don't actually know his name) kinda wore on me.

I attribute twenty-five percent of this depression to what I'd like to call "big fish in a small pond syndrome." I grew up in a small town. It was pretty easy to get your name in the Caloosa Belle (look, it's online now...sorta) for just about anything. That kind of atmosphere makes people (like myself) think that they are special. Such is not the case.

The other seventy-five percent of this depression I attribute to Steven Spielberg. That's right, my dinosaur reanimating idol is the reason I was so fucking depressed. That guy directed his first episode of Night Gallery at the tender young age of 23. Twenty-fucking-three!! Wanna know how old he was when he completed his first movie, Duel? Twenty-five!! When I turned 26, I briefly felt like my career was over. I know that's stupid, but I'm just being honest with myself here.

Everyone else who is currently reading this while sitting at their desks, rolling calls, planning meetings, and ordering freshly roasted, sliced turkey sandwiches on whole grain, whole wheat with lettuce, light mayo, and a sliver of pickle for a boss who will wash it all down with a Diet Coke and some blow has no right to roll their eyes and mutter the word "douchebag" while reading my innermost confessions. You know you've all thought it, too.

Well, I offer you hope...

DETAILS Magazine recently rolled out another one of their "Mavericks Issues." Surprisingly, our favorite "mavericks" from last year are not featured. The folks who are featured (THANK GOD!!) are all in their thirties. That's right my late-twenty-something friends, unless you aspire to be the next T-Pain (24), you have Dustin Lance Black (34), Demitri Martin (35), Seth MacFarlane (35), The Lonely Island guys (Andy 30, Akiva 31, Jorma 32), and the creators of Twitter (collective average: 34) to hold up as the new standard. Sure, Spielberg finished Jaws before he was thirty, but that was in the 70's...when bell bottoms were considered a good idea. Studios could give money to a twenty-five year old nerd and see what kind of movie he'd turn out because movies didn't cost $175 million to make back then!

On a side note, I also realized that DETAILS Magazine is basically training wheels for "straight" guys to come out of the closet and admit they are gay. Sure, A-Rod's on the cover which promises some great articles about sports. But, on the inside you have him shirtless kissing a mirror (just think about the image for a second), an artical on identical twin gay porn stars, and an essay by Augusten Burroughs. Just a few more naughty cologne ads and you might as well change your subscription over to DNA Magazine.

4 comments:

Runs Like A Gay said...

Whenever I worry about not getting into acting until older I was older I always console myself with Brenda Blethyn who only started in her late 30s.

The fact is, if you've got talent and you push yourself then you will be successful and whether that comes at 24 or 74 isn't really relevant.

danast said...

I know exactly how you feel sir. I'm right there with you. Except younger.

Peter Chan said...

All I was wondering when I was flipping through the pages of my copy was only A-Rod would is probably the only athlete out there would be photographed making out with his own reflection in the mirror.

JBenoitFilm said...

There was never a truer blog post ever. ... including the DETAILS part about making straight men, gay.