Thursday, February 5, 2009

Baby Noshing vs. Puppy Chowing

So now we've all seen the footage Mr. Dan Ast leaked of me chewing up and swallowing an adorable little puppy. All right, I admit it. I'm coming out of the closet. I EAT PUPPIES!!

But you wanna know what? I'm not alone. This shouldn't come as a surprise to you, but... World Class Olympian Michael Phelps ALSO eats puppies.

Don't believe me?!?! You are so naive.

First off, it is not possible for anyone to spend three weeks in Beijing and NOT eat at least one puppy. I know it. Joan Rivers knows it. You know it. So let's not play dumb.

Second, puppies are high in calories. After swimming a thousand laps in an Olympic size pool, there's nothing quite like a cheesy omelet loaded with bits of dachshund to get your energy back up.

*Pictured above: Michael Phelps builds up an appetite before gorging on a kennel full of cocker spaniels. (Photo courtesy News of the World)

So there! I'm proud to announce to the world that I EAT PUPPIES!! It means I'm in the same club as Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps.


What sort of company does Dan "Baby Eater" Ast keep?

*Pictured above: Serial killer John Wayne Gacy and Dan Ast making a house call. (Photo courtesy Getty Images)

Serial killer John Wayne Gacy eats babies. Dan Ast eats babies.

If my stomach weren't churning so much right now, I'd go finish the labradoodle burrito I started for dinner last night.


Nathan said...

I am becoming convinced that Dan Ast is just a figure of your demented and paranoid imagination.

ChillwithWill said...

That's exactly what he wants you to think, Nathan. Just like Satan, Dan Ast knows that if he can get the world to stop believing in his existence, he'll be free to wreak as much havoc as he could possibly want. And be warned...his desire for havoc is insatiable.

Don't give in, my friend. Keep the faith.

We can beat him!

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