Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Great Puppet Search and Racist Amazon.com

I was recently invited to a "musical theater party." My friends are dressing up, selecting songs, and performing their takes on classic musicals for the group. Actually, if you're one of the invites to said party, you may want to stop reading as I'm about to spoil a few surprises I have in store...

I decided that rather than wearing tights (Chicago), a fat suit (Hairspray), or an APLA T-Shirt (Rent), I would go online, buy a puppet, and perform a few numbers from AVENUE Q. The play is hilarious, and instead of singing cheesy songs like "Seasons of Love" or "Elephant Love Medley" (from Moulin Rouge!), I'd get to wow my friends with tracks like "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist," "Schadenfreude," and "The Internet is For Porn."

Well, I started my Internet search, and it turns out the Avenue Q song is correct...everyone really IS a little bit racist. And by everyone, I mean Amazon.com. Here's what I got when I typed the word "puppet" into a search by relevance.

#1. Result - Caucasian Family Puppet Set
Price: $35.00

Look at the smiling faces of this beautiful family. Mr. and Mrs. Whitey so happy with their kids Billy and Sally. Clearly Mrs. Whitey brings more to the table in this marriage, as her genes obviously spring from a higher level of the Aryan Nation than his. Poor Billy wasn't lucky enough to inherit Mrs. Whitey's genes, and will probably grow up to obtain a mid-level, white collar job on Wall Street. When the next great stock market crash occurs, you'll find poor Billy hanging from a noose in his garage. But Sally...dear sweet Sally...the world is her oyster.

#76. Result - Asian Family Puppet Set
Price: $30.95

A full four pages later (keep in mind, this a search by RELEVANCE), we meet our next smiling puppet family. If the Whitey's were the most relevant search option in the Toys and Games section, then the Yings aren't quite as lucky. Apparently a young boy molesting an owl (#37), a dragon (#50), and a cock (#54) were all more relevant than Mr. and Mrs. Ying, Jet, and Sayuri. I suspect that Jet and Sayuri scored much higher on their SAT's than Billy and Sally Whitey. This is probably what moved them up in relevance. Higher than...

#79. Result - African American Family Puppet Set
Price: $29.99

Ringing in at $29.99, the King family is the cheapest puppet family on Amazon.com. I'm just happy that they come dressed in their Sunday morning service/Saturday evening trip to a Tyler Perry movie apparrel, instead of their usual weekday wear of Salvatin Army handouts and burlap sacks. Mr. and Mrs. King work a combined five jobs (three of which are in jeopardy thanks to the current economic climate) to put food in the hungry little bellies of Leroy and Shontelle. Please pray for the King family...they need our support. But obviously not as much as...

#94. Result - Hispanic Family Puppet Set
Price: $30.95

I got tired of scrolling through pages looking for the Goldsteins, the Patels, and the Chockotaws. My guess is they're somewhere near the back end of the 2,753 results. So we will stop here with the Gonzalez family. Mr. and Mrs. Gonzalez are legal U.S. citizens and proud of it. They are working hard to instill in little Javier and Gabriella a sense of true American pride. And, isn't that the beauty of the American dream? If you continue to work hard and show your patriotism, one day you too maybe be able to climb up the ladder of the social ranking system, and eventually be recognized on the first page of Amazon's glorious search results.

Special Note: In proofreading this blog, I realize that Amazon.com did me a great service today. Based on some of my own preconceptions, I have merely furthered a closed minded way of thinking about race relations in America by what I have written. That's why I have decided to invite the Gonzalez family to come live with me. Hopefully they will be able to teach me more about myself, and the world around me. If anything, it will make for an interesting reality television show pitch...

THANK YOU,





7 comments:

Peter Chan said...

Paint yourself green and belt out 'Defying Gravity' or better yet, wear (what predict will be the next fashion craze) a German schoolboy outfit, jump on some furniture and proclaim you're totally fucked.

ChillwithWill said...

I have totally been practicing songs from 'Spring Awakening.' So far I'm pretty solid on "The Bitch of Living" and Moritz Stifle's half of "Don't Do Sadness."

All the above are easier than "Defying Gravity," which, as we all know, really only works with pulleys, wires, and hundreds of yards of black fabric. I'd be better off dressing in pink and singing "Popular." ;)

L.P. said...

ahaha this is terrible

Kyle Leaman said...

Umm..I saw a musical once in New York. There was a guy in it with half of a white mask. Don't remember much else though

Runs Like A Gay said...

It's good to know that once you get to a certain age, and have a family, haircuts all become the same regardless of the colour of your skin.

ChillwithWill said...

They must all go to the same stylist.

danast said...

Gold.