I was recently invited to a "musical theater party." My friends are dressing up, selecting songs, and performing their takes on classic musicals for the group. Actually, if you're one of the invites to said party, you may want to stop reading as I'm about to spoil a few surprises I have in store...
I decided that rather than wearing tights (Chicago), a fat suit (Hairspray), or an APLA T-Shirt (Rent), I would go online, buy a puppet, and perform a few numbers from AVENUE Q. The play is hilarious, and instead of singing cheesy songs like "Seasons of Love" or "Elephant Love Medley" (from Moulin Rouge!), I'd get to wow my friends with tracks like "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist," "Schadenfreude," and "The Internet is For Porn."
Well, I started my Internet search, and it turns out the Avenue Q song is correct...everyone really IS a little bit racist. And by everyone, I mean Amazon.com. Here's what I got when I typed the word "puppet" into a search by relevance.
#1. Result - Caucasian Family Puppet Set
Look at the smiling faces of this beautiful family. Mr. and Mrs. Whitey so happy with their kids Billy and Sally. Clearly Mrs. Whitey brings more to the table in this marriage, as her genes obviously spring from a higher level of the Aryan Nation than his. Poor Billy wasn't lucky enough to inherit Mrs. Whitey's genes, and will probably grow up to obtain a mid-level, white collar job on Wall Street. When the next great stock market crash occurs, you'll find poor Billy hanging from a noose in his garage. But Sally...dear sweet Sally...the world is her oyster.
#76. Result - Asian Family Puppet Set
A full four pages later (keep in mind, this a search by RELEVANCE), we meet our next smiling puppet family. If the Whitey's were the most relevant search option in the Toys and Games section, then the Yings aren't quite as lucky. Apparently a young boy molesting an owl (#37), a dragon (#50), and a cock (#54) were all more relevant than Mr. and Mrs. Ying, Jet, and Sayuri. I suspect that Jet and Sayuri scored much higher on their SAT's than Billy and Sally Whitey. This is probably what moved them up in relevance. Higher than...
#79. Result - African American Family Puppet Set
Ringing in at $29.99, the King family is the cheapest puppet family on Amazon.com. I'm just happy that they come dressed in their Sunday morning service/Saturday evening trip to a Tyler Perry movie apparrel, instead of their usual weekday wear of Salvatin Army handouts and burlap sacks. Mr. and Mrs. King work a combined five jobs (three of which are in jeopardy thanks to the current economic climate) to put food in the hungry little bellies of Leroy and Shontelle. Please pray for the King family...they need our support. But obviously not as much as...
#94. Result - Hispanic Family Puppet Set
I got tired of scrolling through pages looking for the Goldsteins, the Patels, and the Chockotaws. My guess is they're somewhere near the back end of the 2,753 results. So we will stop here with the Gonzalez family. Mr. and Mrs. Gonzalez are legal U.S. citizens and proud of it. They are working hard to instill in little Javier and Gabriella a sense of true American pride. And, isn't that the beauty of the American dream? If you continue to work hard and show your patriotism, one day you too maybe be able to climb up the ladder of the social ranking system, and eventually be recognized on the first page of Amazon's glorious search results.
Special Note: In proofreading this blog, I realize that Amazon.com did me a great service today. Based on some of my own preconceptions, I have merely furthered a closed minded way of thinking about race relations in America by what I have written. That's why I have decided to invite the Gonzalez family to come live with me. Hopefully they will be able to teach me more about myself, and the world around me. If anything, it will make for an interesting reality television show pitch...
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