Sunday, January 4, 2009

BEST PICTURE 2008, or, If there were justice in the world and I handed out the Oscars...

WARNING: This review contains adult language, strong violence and graphic nudity. Viewer discretion is advised. Kids DO NOT let your parents know you read this...

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about a little movie this year that kicked me in the nuts with its brilliance. If you have an ounce of cinematic taste in your bones, you already know what I'm talking about.

Pixar's WALL-E fucking rages up and down like an unholy terror on the big screen. Writing/Director Andrew Stanton (that's right, the guy who made sushi look cute) takes you on a brain-blowing sci-fi ride in a futuristic landscape that's bleaker than anything this side of Blade Runner. I'm about to recap everything you need to know about WALL-E. Some would call this a spoiler, but if you haven't seen WALL-E yet then you have no business reading a blog that's all about being totally badass. Clearly, you are not totally badass and you need to get back over to your fucking Netflix queue so you can bump Eagle Eye down a few notches and move WALL-E into the top spot. Amateur.

The titular character, WALL-E, is one tough son of a bitch. This mother fucker is the last robot left on earth after a bunch of lard-ass humans take to the skies and forget to turn him off. WALL-E is left to clean up all their shit, and this is where I first started to connect with the guy. I used to have to clean up after my roommates after a bunch of raging parties. Granted, I didn't have a trash compactor built into my stomach to squeeze down the bottles of booze, pizza boxes, and heroin needles that they left behind. I also, typically, had more than just one cockroach chasing me around, so I guess you could say I had it harder than WALL-E. Then again, I have an entire bookshelf full of totally badass DVD's, while WALL-E only has one busted-ass VHS copy of Hello, Dolly to entertain him. So, I guess I'll cut the little bastard some slack.

Anyway, WALL-E's doing his thing when this hot piece of robotic ass shows up. Her name is EVE, which is totally fitting because WALL-E's futuristic Garden of Eden is torn to fucking shreds the minute she shows up. See, EVE's just like any other ho. She's only after one thing. Sure she's all nice to WALL-E. She flirts with him; she leads him on. But, as soon as she gets her iPod-esque hands on his most prized possession (in this case, the last fucking plant on the entire planet), the bitch goes cold faster than Alan Cumming at the end of Goldeneye. Of course, WALL-E still has to take care of her even though he isn't getting any, because the son of a bitch is a real stand-up guy. And that's why he should be a role model to us all.

A spaceship shows up and blasts EVE back out into outer space with WALL-E's most prized possession, and that is when the little robot screams, "Fuck no! I ain't takin' any more of this!! (in so many beeps)." He jumps aboard the spaceship and goes on one hell of a ride into deep space.

Even I will admit the second half of the movie isn't nearly as good as the first half of the movie. WALL-E ends up on the ship with the lard-ass humans who all (including the women) sound just like the mailman from Cheers.

In the end, WALL-E saves the day. The lard-ass humans get to go back to earth where they are sure to fuck it up even worse the second time around. I'm okay with that, because that means there will probably be a sequel. Perhaps WALL-E merely lured the humans back to his post-apocalyptic wasteland so that the zombie army that only comes out at night (which we didn't see in the first half of the movie) will have years worth of fresh meat to feast upon. That's probably the only thing Andrew Stanton could've done for me to enjoy this cinematic life-changer any more.


Kyle Leaman said...

Did I stumble onto a Harry Knowles' review from Aint it Cool News?

ChillwithWill said...

Speaking of Harry Knowles... Have you seen 'Bolt' yet?? I swear, the hamster is supposed to be Knowles.