Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I wish Clint Eastwood were my grandfather...or drinking buddy.

I saw Clint Eastwood's new movie tonight. No, not the one where Angelina Jolie weeps for a shot at a Best Actress nomination, the other one where he's the star. A couple (okay, four) friends warned me that the movie only works because of Clint's performance, and the rest of the actors feel like they were cast out of a Lifetime television movie. For the most part, I agree.

However, you could've cast Clint opposite the cast of the new '90210,' Kirk Cameron, or The Wiggles and this movie still would've kicked ass. Basically, Clint's got two speeds...angry, and PISSED. One emotes a barrage of racial slurs, and the other simply causes him to growl. And boy, can that man growl.

Sitting in 'Gran Torino,' I kept wishing that Hollywood would stop trying to revive the wrong out of date franchises. Between Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Live Free or Die Hard, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (which I know we all felt the same way about), it's obvious the execs are trying to make money off of really, really bad ideas that cheapen the original product. What we need is Clint Eastwood directing himself as DIRTY FUCKIN' HARRY. In fact, I think Dirty Fuckin' Harry would be a totally fitting title for the film. It doesn't matter how bad the script is (he could be tracking aliens for all I care), Clint Eastwood will make the movie MESMERIZING. I guaran-fuckin-tee it. Just give the man something to growl at, and it will be phenomenal.

However, it looks like instead of Dirty Harry, we would rather waste our time giving Eddie Murphy (and the illustrious Bret Ratner) more unnecessary reels of celluloid. Sometimes this world can be a cruel, cruel place.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Monday, December 29, 2008

MySpace Presents DOUBT: REMIXED

I don't log onto MySpace very much any more (I prefer Facebook...shh!! don't tell my friend Tom). But, every now and then I like to check in just to see what some of my trashier friends (the ones who still have yet to migrate to Facebook) are up to.

This morning, I was very excited to see that MySpace has gotten in on Oscar race promotions. For all those Academy members out there who weren't sure who they were going to be voting for when ballots are issued this month, MySpace has taken it upon themselves to promote a top notch film...DOUBT.

The funny thing is, MySpace isn't exactly known for promoting high quality movies in their (aptly titled) Trailer Park. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the link and was treated to a very intense dramatic scene in which Sister James (Amy Adams) tries to convince Sister Aloysius (Meryl Streep) of Father Flynn's (Phillip Seymour Hofman) innocence regarding the rape of a young, African-American boy. The scene is powerful; and it was sandwiched between Hugh Jackman jumping over a helicopter (in the X-Men: Origins trailer) and Vin Diesel showing off some rock hard abs (in the Fast & Furious 4 trailer).

This got me wondering, how many MySpacers give a rat's ass about the movie Doubt? Answer: probably not many. But, that train of thought lead me to my next quandary... Since Hollywood is all about the "re-vamp" these days, what would pull the MySpace generation away from their Dell computers and into the cinema to watch a movie about Catholic drama?? Answer: Tila Tequila.

Here are a few scenes I've improvised for my pitch of DOUBT: REMIXED

INT. RECTORY - DAY

FATHER FLYNN (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) hands young DONALD MILLER (Joseph Foster) some communion wine. He approaches an old radio.

FATHER FLYNN
What do you say we lighten the
mood, Donald?

DONALD MILLER
Okay.

Father Flynn clicks on the radio. Katy Perry's I KISSED A GIRL blares out.

FATHER FLYNN
Hmm...Katy Perry. Have you heard
this song before, Donald?

DONALD MILLER
Yes, Father.

FATHER FLYNN
And what do you make of it?

DONALD MILLER
I'm not sure, Father. I've never
actually kissed a girl.

FATHER FLYNN
Really? Let's try something more our
speed then...

Father Flynn clicks the radio again. The Magnectic Fields' haunting song I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BOYFRIEND fills the room.

FATHER FLYNN
What do you say we crack open
that wine?

CUT TO:

INT. SISTER JAMES' CLASSROOM - SAME

SISTER JAMES (Tila Tequila) looks up from her chalkboard. A look of concern crosses her beautiful, heavily make-upped face.

SISTER JAMES
My spider sense is tingling...

INT. SISTER ALOYSIUS' OFFICE - MUCH LATER

SISTER JAMES (Tila Tequila) and SISTER ALOYSIUS (Meryl Streep) are engaged in a verbal debate.

SISTER JAMES
But I didn't see anything, Sister.
And my spider sense has been
wrong before.

SISTER ALOYSIUS
You just want things to go back to
the way they were, so you can
have simplicity again.

SISTER JAMES
No, Sister! You just don't like
Father Flynn because he doesn't
like the same music as you!
Well, I too happen to like Fall
Out Boy. And if you can't handle
that, then perhaps I'm not fit to
teach at this school.

Without warning, the light over Sister Aloysius' desk blows out. The room is now lit only by a single candle...mood lighting.

SISTER ALOYSIUS
What of that? You blew out
my light!

Sister James is overtaken by the moment. Years of pent up sexual frustration and confusion over her attraction to both Father Flynn and Sister Aloysius cause her beautiful, heavily make-upped face to blush.

SISTER JAMES
That's not all I want to blow,
Sister.

And with that, Sister James tears off her habit, revealing a Juicy Couture tank top, diamond pierced belly button, and Victoria's Secret thong.

There is a knock at the door. SISTER THOMAS (cameo by Jessica Alba) peeks her head in.

SISTER THOMAS
What's going on in here?

Sister James and Sister Aloysius are caught red handed.

SISTER THOMAS
Well, if you think I'm just going
to stand by while this happens,
then you will mistake me!!!

And with that, Sister Thomas enters the room and removes her skin-tight habit...























TILA TEQUILA






















SISTER JAMES

Monday, December 22, 2008

ADVENTURES IN FLORIDA or, How Slow-Speed DSL Killed My Dreams of Catching Up On My Vlog


I'm spending the holidays with my mom in the sunny "town" of Felda, FL. I have a week off from work, which I originally planned to use for updating my blog. I wanted to master the art of "vlogging" this week. HOWEVER...it seems the internet in Mom's house (which is literally sandwiched between orange trees and grazing beef cattle) is not up to snuff for uploading videos.
*Sigh* I guess I'll have to settle for posting pictures and providing written commentary. Maybe I can edit the vlogs so that they look GREAT and then upload them as a "New Years treat" when I get back to SoCal.

Here's a quick recap of my adventures, thus far:

Mom and I borrowed my Uncle Phil's "Gator" (a gas powered, "golf cart-esque" vehicle that can go out in the fields and handle all the bumps). We took a ride through the pasture. We "moo'ed" at my grandmother's beef cattle (in the soon to be posted video). Mom spotted some cranes and went nuts (she's kind of obsessed with birds...just wait till I post pictures of her holiday decorations). And we also saw this little guy...


I took some video of the alligator, but he doesn't really do anything cool. He doesn't eat a cow, or chase our vehicle (like the T-rex in Jurassic Park). Mom was worried when I was videoing because she said that alligators can "run as fast a horse." I told her this guy might need a little running start to get up to those speeds. Needless to say, her persistence won out, and I did not get to wrestle a gator (although that could have been fun).

So far, Florida has been a blast. I look forward to updating this with some more stories, pictures, and (eventually) videos. We've still got holiday family get togethers, Oscar-hyped movies, and the annual Tacky Sweater Fest on the horizon.

Thursday, December 18, 2008